I'm That Girl

You know those people who like to tell infertiles to “just relax” or “go on vacation” or “just adopt—then you’ll get pregnant for sure”? Of course you know them. I know them too. They’re dicks. I mean, even a generally nice person’s rating automatically goes up from “not very douchey” right past “guys named Chad” to “Donald Trump” on the douchebag scale.

But dammit if they weren't right. 

Two weeks ago I put away the OPKs. I said, “Screw it! I’m going on vacation!” and then I did. We had a wonderfully enjoyable anniversary weekend and I even refused to prop my hips up after sex. We rolled over, cleaned up, and ate a sandwich like normal couples. When we got home from vacation, Bobby and I had a long talk about a adoption. We committed that if I wasn’t pregnant by the end of December 2014, we’d fill out the paperwork in January. 

Like clockwork, on CD30 I started spotting. It was (if you are squeamish, please look away, this is about to be the grossest thing I’ve ever typed - skip the rest of this paragraph) brown, and a tiny bit pinkish, but it wasn’t really “spotting.” It was mucousy. And slimy. And it was really only on the toilet paper—not...falling out of me. And after a day or two it wasn’t even brown any more. It was more green. I was pretty sure there was actual snot coming out of my vagina. 

Bobby’s parents were staying at our house, and I had already started volleyball preseason with horrible two-a-day practices (what kind of crazy coach has 6:00 a.m. practices!? Me, I guess). I didn’t really have time to worry about why my period was so wonky. I knew it would start eventually. It always does. Until it didn’t. 

My cycles are normally on the longer side, but I thought this time it might shift, since I ovulated somewhere around CD19. So when I hit CD33, and the spotting had nearly disappeared, I was confused. 

I’m not a POASer. Not at all. In fact, I don’t even keep pregnancy tests in the house. But...I was heading to evening volleyball practice, and I knew I was running drills where I would be scrimmaging with the girls. Should I play? Should I dive? It was only a few minutes before practice, and I didn’t have a pregnancy test. So I peed on an OPK, since I’ve read that they can also work as a HPT in a pinch. It was super positive. Very dark double lines. But then I noticed more brownish spotting on the toilet paper. Duped again. I was sure my period would start any minute, possibly even at practice, since I was starting to notice some crampy twinges in my stomach. I went and played volleyball.

The cramps stayed, but they weren’t ever as painful as menstrual cramps. Just very mild stretching. My period never showed up, and my temps never dropped. 

I know I’m burying the lead here, but I still don’t know what to think. And I don't want to step on toes or hurt feelings. I know how much it sucks to read these kinds of posts. Believe me, I know. I realize that by doing this I'm automatically bumping my douchebag status up to at least "guys named Chad." And the fact that this probably happened while I was relaxing on vacation might just lift me to the level of "calling people 'Champ'" or "hanging truck nuts."

But there I was yesterday afternoon, after finally making a trip to the store to pick up a real, live pregnancy test. I stared at those two pink lines longer than I’ve ever stared at two lines before. And that’s actually impressive for me, as I’m a graphic designer, and I spend a huge majority of my days staring at lines. 

The second line was definitely fainter than the first, but it was there. But it was so faint... That circle of thought went around my mind a million times. There’s a second line...I’m pregnant. It’s so faint...maybe it’s not real. Any second line is a positive...but why is it so light!?

I frantically drove to a nearby Walgreens with the intention of getting a digital test and some sort of “World’s Greatest Dad” mug for Bobby. I stared at the pregnancy test aisle for five straight minutes before running back out of the store empty handed. This was the most pregnant I’d ever been. I wanted to enjoy it for the day. I was terrified of seeing “Not Pregnant” so blatantly. (I realize now, the Walgreens' employees probably thought I was shoplifting. Oops.)

Telling Bobby didn’t pan out in any romantic, exciting, picturesque way I’d imagined. I left the test on the bathroom counter for him when he got home from work, hoping he’d find it. He didn’t go into the bathroom. So when he came back out to the living room after changing clothes, I eventually told him I got him something and left it in the bathroom. He paused Sportscenter, sighed, and went to find out what it was. 

He was in there a long time. I guess I was imagining him running out to the living room and scooping me up in his arms for a slow-motion, spin-in-circles celebration of happy squeals and tears. Instead, he came back with a confused look on his face. 

“Why are you telling me you’re not pregnant?”

“What? It’s positive.”

“There’s no second line.” 

“You don’t see a second line?” Great...this again. Maybe I am crazy.

“Yeah...but it’s so much lighter.”

“I know.”

“Why is it so much lighter?”

“I don’t know.” 

I then explained the concept of pregnancy tests to him, and how they were different from OPKs. How the second line could be lighter, and that still meant positive. I even made him read the instructions. But I was secretly wondering all the same things he was. 

“What are you saying?” he finally asked. 

I think he wanted me to actually say the words: “We’re having a baby!” or “You’re going to be a dad!” or even “I’m pregnant!” You know, things normal people say.

I didn’t. I just said, “I don’t know. This isn’t how I thought this would go.”

We lay on our bed together for a while and talked. He never reached “excitement.” More like anxious, yet slightly pleased with the idea. Of course, he would say he was being realistic. Over and over, he worried about getting too excited or attached. I hate so much what infertility has done to us. We can’t even be excited about our first ever positive pregnancy test because we’re both waiting for it to be taken away at any moment. 

I decided to test again this morning, maybe undiluted urine would give me a confident positive. It didn’t. It was exactly the same faint second line (but thank God for that faint little line!). I realize it’s much too early to be announcing this anywhere, but holy balls I don’t even know what to do. I’m telling all of you because I need you (also, you don’t actually know me, so screw being too early). And I will definitely need you if this all falls apart and it was nothing more than a shadow. Or a chemical. Or a miscarriage.

I realize it could be light because my period is technically only a few days late, based on my long cycles. However, I'm also something like 16-17dpo. So, you know, WTF?

So now what? Call a doctor (or maybe a psychiatrist)? Take a digital? What do normal people do when they think they’re pregnant?

What do you think about my sad little second line?

Checking In

Well, friends, a few of you have shown some concern in my absence these last few weeks. I didn't mean to leave you all hanging. I just sort of...left. I stepped back, I talked to several people about foster care licensure in my county, I spent some time fortifying my heart with the plan to live childfree.

I don't know why exactly, it just sort of crept over me, this intense feeling of I don't want to do this anymore. "This" being "trying to get pregnant."

The last time I wrote, I detailed my plan of starting Vitex and B6. The day I wrote, I said I didn't think it was working, because it was something like Cycle Day 22, and I thought I was still a few days away from a positive OPK. Somewhat surprisingly, I got a positive that night. Which meant in one month of taking Vitex, my ovulation moved up two days (baby steps, right?). I was hoping that meant I had been cured. Surely something had worked, and now I would get pregnant that month! It didn't happen, and don't call me Shirley.

My period arrived on schedule, though it was barely a blip on my radar. I was crazy busy, in the middle of an intense new workout schedule I was excited about, and planning for vacation. At least the new medication regimen had done something...it could only get better, right?

Fast forward to this month. Bobby and I are leaving tomorrow morning for our anniversary vacation in Duluth, and then we'll join my family at the cabin later in the week. And wouldn't you know it, our anniversary excursion is falling right in Cycle Day 21-24...ovulation time. It's like a SIGN from GOD, amirite? I was going to be one of those MILLIONS of couples that just went on vacation to get pregnant!

I hadn't been using OPKs as early this cycle, I figured it was a waste to start testing on day 15, when I wasn't getting even close to positive until sometime in the mid-20s. So I started testing yesterday, on CD19. Cue my complete shock when it was positive. Or at least really freaking close. Since I normally test early, I can see the tests gradually get darker and know for sure when the positive hits. Well...yesterday's sure looked positive. The test line was at least as dark as the control, but it was a little spotty at the top. I didn't have anything to compare it to, so we did the responsible thing and had lots of sex.

I tested again today, and it was negative. Test line completely faded. So the surge, whether it was just one day (yesterday), or yesterday was the tail end of an earlier surge, I'll never know. We'll still have tons of sex this weekend (because, you know, hotel sex=best kind), but it won't be obligatory. I'm either ovulating now, or it's already passed and we missed it. I'm trying not to think about it (because then I'll be on vacation, not even thinking about it, and we'll get pregnant! It's like a freaking fairy tale!)

As soon as we get back from vacation, I start coaching preseason volleyball, plus I'm hosting my in-laws for a week. This two-week wait will be the fasted yet (or the most torturingly slow) because I'll be so busy and preoccupied with so many other things.

I took a hiatus from blogging both because I was busy and because I was sad. I was seriously considering giving up on the whole trying to conceive world, and I couldn't handle spending so much time thinking about and worrying about infertility. I needed some time away. While Bobby talked me out of getting my tubes tied (or at least starting birth control again), I sort of gave up hope that getting pregnant was ever going to happen for us. And if I wasn't trying anymore, I didn't see the point in blogging--especially since every time I checked in, I got ever more sad.

So many of my blogging friends have confirmed pregnancies in the last few months, and it felt like real life all over again. Everyone was getting pregnant except for me. I'm so overjoyed for these women because they have worked so hard to get to this place and they deserve this so much. I absolutely hoped for this very outcome for every single one of them, and I know they will all be fantastic mothers. But that doesn't make it easier for me to still be stuck waiting.

I do have a lot more to write about, and I do hope to catch up on reading your blogs during vacation. Bobby and I had a fantastic conversation in the car today, and I need to process it in writing. There are also things I've been looking into that I could use advice and opinions on. Some day I'll get my life together and get back to writing.

Thank you to everyone who worried about me and wished me well. You are all wonderful, and I feel so lucky to have this community. I feel honored that you would care about a virtual stranger enough to check in on me occasionally. I'll try not to leave you so abruptly again with no explanation.

New Things

800mg Vitex + 100mg B6. That was the plan for this month to try to lengthen my luteal phase. Well, it’s CD22, and I’m still a few days away from a positive OPK. Like it will probably be positive on CD24. Just like last month. So the Vitex and B6 did nothing to move up ovulation. I’ll have to wait and see if it will lengthen my luteal phase on the other end, but I kind of doubt it.

I know neither one of these are supposed to be short-term solutions. Most people agree that Vitex works after about 3 months in your system. But just once, I’d like to be the Amazon reviewer or baby forum commenter that “took/used _____ and got a BFP the very first month!!!!”

I’m never that person. 

I was also planning on adding progesterone cream after ovulation, but I didn't get it ordered in time. Maybe next cycle that will be our new thing to try that can work in the first month!

We’re out of PreSeed (another conception aid we’ve been using for over a year with no luck. I was planning to add it to our babymaking regimen and conceive the first month! Didn't work out.), and I was trying to convince Bobby to pick some up at Walgreens while he was out picking up our dinner and movie on Saturday night.

He scrunched his face up at me. “I have to get it? That’s embarrassing!”

“You don’t think it’s embarrassing for me to pick it up every few months for over a year?!”

“No...you’re a girl. It's weirder for me. That’d be like you...buying condoms.”

“I’m always the one who buys the condoms!”

“Yeah...I know...”

We used the cheap, non-sperm-friendly lube that night. I have a hard time believing it really matters at this point. But I suppose I’ll pick up the PreSeed on the way home from work tonight. 

You know, just in case that’s what makes it work this month.

I have more things to write about—deeper things. Like the whirlwind I went through over my plans for teaching and coaching next year. My upcoming summer vacation to Up North, Minnesota. Our last two childless friends’ wedding last weekend—and predictions for how soon before they have a baby (my guess: less than a year). But those will all just have to wait.

The Plan

I married Bobby when I was 22 years old--that had always been the plan. I was ready to settle down after finishing college.

I worked at a comfortable, well-paying job for a few years after marriage, and Bobby did too. We were able to save money, buy the perfect starter house for our family and go on many fun adventures. While working at this comfortable, well-paying job, I also found the time to write and publish my first book. While not a New York Times Best Seller, the book did well. We agreed we were stable enough for me to quit my full-time job and focus on writing. But first, we decided to have a baby.

And since baby-having is as easy as deciding, of course we conceived easily. During my easy, perfect 40-week pregnancy, I worked from home on my second book. We were living comfortably off the royalties and I was able to write freely, exercise at will (of course I only gained 12 pounds during this pregnancy!), and add to our perfect little family.

The baby was born with no complications. We loved having a newborn. My second book was met with great success, so I was able to take a complete break from working and raise our child full time (naturally while keeping up with my exercising and writing for fun). Nine months later, we'd decide to conceive again--wanting our first two children to be close in age.

Our second child was born exactly eighteen months after our first (of course, we planned for a summer baby), and our little family of four was beautiful. Since I was an absolute natural at motherhood, both children slept through the night from day one, took naps on schedule, and ate like champs. Once the baby was six months old, my parents graciously offered to watch both kids two days a week so I could work on my third book, keep my house looking spotless, grocery shop, and plan our immaculate dinners.

After three years family bliss, we decided to add a third child. After conceiving (easily, of course), we realized we'd need a bigger home. We bought a 1860s farmhouse just outside of town with some land, pasture, and out buildings. It was gorgeous, and the perfect setting for our children to grow up in. We had barn cats, a pot-belly pig, and some fainting goats. Our huge St. Bernard moped around outside, always begging to be let in the side door off the porch. Sometimes we conceded, and let him drool all over the house.  After all, what's life without a little whimsy?

Once Baby Number 3 arrived, we easily settled in to our new life. The older children were attending pre-school and learning to help around the house. My parents still cared for them a few days a week, and I began writing Book Number 4. We had game nights with our friends, play dates, and still found time to go on fun adventures over the weekend.

A year or so later, we conceived Baby Number 4--and then decided to close up shop. After all, I was over 30 years old! It was time spend more time on myself. Being a mother of four easily fit into my life of running, coaching, writing, and anything else I wanted to do, 

Several years later, when the oldest kids were nearing the end of high school, and the youngest kids just beginning, we decided it was time to adopt. We were such good parents, why wouldn't we want to share our life with needy kids? We'd started a small fund early in our marriage, always intended for adoption--and now we had plenty of money. We had the opportunity and budget to add a few more kids to our family--plus explore the possibility of becoming full-time foster parents--since it was all so easy for us, after all. We were in no hurry, so we could take our time with the paperwork and the waiting was no big deal. Whenever an agency or birth parent decided to pick us, we would expand our family for whatever new members we chose to add.

This is tough to read, right? It was tough to write. I want to say that it's really just the rambling of a dumb teenager--exhibiting obviously naive expectations for my future life and family. But really, up until a few years ago, I truly believed this is how it would all shake out. I never imagined that we would have issues conceiving. Of course, I'll admit I occasionally had doubts about my qualifications of being a good mom, but I would work it out. My kids may not sleep perfectly through the night or be champion eaters...but surely I would at least have kids...right? I may not lose all of the 12 pounds (ha!) of baby weight instantly and my body shape might change...but at least the weight and stretch marks would be scars of a body growing another human--not excess weight from the stress of trying to have a baby.

I'm not going to have four kids (and four published books) by the time I'm 30, give or take a year. At this rate, I'm really, really hoping to have one kid before 30. It would be a miracle if I had two (like a call-the-Vatican, immaculate-conception-type miracle).

So...what was your life plan? Was it as ridiculous as mine? No? No one could possibly have thought something as ridiculous as this? Yeah, that's probably true.

One

Code Red

I'm calling it. This cycle is dead.

It's not officially CD1 yet, but it's either today or tomorrow. I spotted on and off yesterday, and even a little bit on Saturday. So I, of course, googled "spotting in early pregnancy" for about the millionth time. Even though every period I've ever had since I was 12 years old started with a day or two of brown spotting. It should never be a surprise. It's never a pregnancy symptom. And yet I still google that every. single. month. The top google return for me should just be YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT! STOP GOOGLING AND GO OUTSIDE. Instead, it's some babywebsite forum with tons of women confirming that they spotted right around five weeks and they were TOTALLY PREGNANT. And someone chimes in with some statistics about a huge percentage of women spotting in early pregnancy (it's just getting rid of some leftover blood from last month - totally normal!) I'm an idiot.

My temperatures are hovering at a taunting mid-range. They're lower than the original surge and subsequent spike, but they're higher than my normal baseline temp and period temp drop. They're like the NSA - refusing to confirm or deny anything.

I started taking both Vitex and Vitamin B6 this morning. Bobby commented that I'm much too young to be taking this many meds (these are in addition to the Prenatal vitamin I've been taking for two and half years and the Baby Asprin also sitting on the counter). I almost laughed. These aren't even close to the number of meds many IVF ladies take--and those are in addition to shots! But I'm going to keep that world a secret from him. He'd faint at the idea of injecting me.

I sort of felt like I had cramps this morning, but they disappeared. I really only ever have one day of cramping--but I know Vitex can help with that too. I guess I'll take that as a bonus.

I promised myself an enormous, over-sized iced coffee with extra shots of espresso on Cycle Day 1. I'm not officially there yet, but I'm sure I'll be sipping that drink soon enough.

Back to square one.

P.S. Sorry I left you all hanging over the weekend. I didn't think anyone would really care, but my pageviews for the last post were crazy high--so I guess at least a few of you were checking in on me. I was planning on posting as soon as something happened. But I was stuck in limbo all weekend with nothing to report. My temperatures weren't indicating anything, and I wasn't bleeding yet either. I was never planning on testing until at least today--but now that seems unnecessary.

Thank you all for your kind words and support. This is horrible as it is, but it would be so much worse without all of you.

Help?

Well, I need some help. Or advice. Or tough love. Whatever your specialty is, I need it. 

Yesterday I had pretty much resigned myself that this cycle was a bust. I was only 8dpo, and my temperature dropped significantly. Which means it's over; my period will start in a few days. I was disappointed, but prepared. 

This cycle had been sort of a long shot. I starting using OPKs for the first time in over a year. Since my cycles are much more regular now than the last time, I figured I'd give it a try again. On CD24, I had a very clear positive on the OPK. We had lots of sex that day and the next day (and luckily, the day before as well). It seemed like we covered all our bases. Three days later, my temperature spiked, officially confirming ovulation (okay, semi-officially).

And then yesterday, when my temperature dropped, I realized I might be officially dealing with a LP defect. Some other bloggers made some excellent comments and suggestions on my last post about this, and they are totally right. My luteal phase is short. Maybe not official-defect short, but it could definitely be hampering implantation. I’ve been doing all kinds of research about how I can naturally lengthen my LP. I’ve ordered some Vitex and I’ll be picking up some Vitamin B6 later today. Back when I saw my doctor in January, she suggested taking baby asprin to improve overall circulation to my uterus, so I may as well add that to the cocktail of pills. I feel good about this plan.

EXCEPT...this morning my temperature was back up to its post-ovulation level, the exact same level before the drop yesterday. I was feeling some cramps last night when I went to bed, assuming I was starting my period. This morning, I realized it feels way more like muscle pain—which makes sense since I’m doing T25 and did the Ab Intervals video yesterday. I know I was snippy and short with Bobby all day yesterday. And while I hate, hate, hate the PMS excuse, I assumed that’s what was happening. But...he was also pushing my buttons. Since junior high, Bobby has known exactly how to annoy me—and he was firing on all cylinders yesterday. And while I love the man more than life itself, it was really starting to grate on me. But, I know I was also a little crabby and disappointed that this cycle had failed. PMS or just general marriage spats? We haven’t had sex since the marathon around ovulation. And Bobby gets annoying when he needs to get laid. This could all be totally unrelated to what’s happening inside me.

So...what the heck? How can my temperature take a huge nosedive and have me convinced the cycle is over, and then shoot right back up and take all my hopes and dreams right with it? The obvious answer is that one of my temperature readings was incorrect. While I’m inclined to say it was probably today...I don’t want to. I want to believe that yesterday’s was the error and my temperature is still soaring and I’m still “possibly pregnant.”

This morning I temped a little early. I woke up around 5:30 a.m. and knew I wouldn’t get back to sleep so I shoved the thermometer in my mouth. My temp alarm goes off at 6:15 a.m., so my reading today was a little early. BUT whenever I temp early, the reading is generally lower than normal—not higher, like today. BUT I was also really warm when I temped this morning. It’s still getting colder overnight, and Bobby likes to keep the windows open. So I wake up feeling like I’m camping—it’s absolutely freezing around me, but I’m warm and sweaty under a mountain of blankets. So, I was feeling warmer than usual, which may have contributed to the high temperature.

So here I sit at 9dpo, desperately hanging on to the thread of hope that I’m still in the game for this cycle. When I temp tomorrow morning, I’m sure it will confirm that today was an error, and my period is due to arrive any minute.

So...help—has this happened to anyone? Advice—what should I do next? Tough love—do I need to stop being delusional and let go of this cycle and hope the cocktail of pills can fix my LP in the next few months? How do I get through the next 18 hours without going crazy and strangling my husband?

The waiting is the worst part.

**Edit: Since Toni asked, I'll post my chart (well a terrible screen shot of it, the app isn't cooperating to letting me update, so these are just partials of the important part).

This is the chart in question. There's an obvious ovulation spike, it remains elevated for three days and then dipped yesterday before spiking again today.

This is last month's chart or comparison. The ovulation spike, it remained elevated and then dropped. I got my period a few days later.