Monday, June 2, 2014

Wait

I'm waiting.

Is anyone else waiting?

It's CD29 and 6dpo for me. My cycles have somewhat regulated themselves into 33-35 day cycles, which I suppose is good because I didn't ovulate until Day 24. My temperature spiked on Friday to officially confirm ovulation.

It's almost pathetic how good I feel about this cycle. Everything went perfectly--there's no way it didn't work, right? Wrong. There are many, many ways that it didn't work. Because as good as I feel about this cycle, I'm equally confident that I won't get pregnant and my period will show up any day this week. Because it's me. And I don't get pregnant.

To make matters worse, I had a baby dream last night. But it wasn't one of those warm, fuzzy, idyllic baby dreams. It actually kind of sucked. We seemed to be at some sort of cabin (I just got back from Up North, cabins are on my mind) at some sort of family reunion. Lots of people had children there, including us. We had this baby--with this perfect round face, chubby cheeks, and just a tiny brush of blonde hair. She had pale skin, so perfect it could have been porcelain and big blue eyes. But she was screaming. A LOT. And I needed to change her diaper, but there was this little tiny cupboard where all the families kept their diapers, and I had to practically crawl inside the cupboard to get anything out and I couldn't find one small enough for her. She was so tiny, like only a few months only, and I could only find size five diapers and pullups. And she just wouldn't stop screaming. I was trying to soothe her, and I was talking to her and telling her how I was going to get her changed and then we would take a nap together, and asking her repeat to me what I just said (I don't know why I did that, she was obviously too little to talk, but I make my volleyball girls do it constantly). I was thinking about how frustrating this was and just how awful the screaming was and I was sure it would never stop. But I kept looking at her and kissing her head--she was just so beautiful--and even though everything was awful, I was still so happy to have this tiny baby.

And then I woke up and realized I had shut off my alarm and only had 20 minutes to get to work.

I'm not great with babies in reality. Apparently Dream Lilee isn't any better. I'll admit, I have serious doubts about keeping a screaming baby alive full time without totally losing my mind. In fact, I probably would be against ever bringing a baby into my home if it weren't for my baby whispering husband. If we ever manage to get pregnant, I'm seriously considering putting him on baby duty and I'll take over at about age three. Or you know, 15. I do pretty well with high school kids.

We endured quite a bit of "when are you going to have kids?" talk this weekend as we attended Grandma Susie's memorial service (probably a whole post on that coming...I'm not sure yet). It was depressing. Bobby keeps insisting we should tell people we can't have kids just so they'll back off. And if we do get pregnant, we'll be overly obnoxious about our Miracle Baby. I told him I'm going to tell people we can't have kids because Bobby got a vasectomy when he was 16 because he was such a player.

But it's nice to see he's equally annoyed by people's nosiness. And to be clear, these aren't just kind-hearted strangers casually asking if we have any kids. These are his family members and people at church who ask us EVERY TIME THEY SEE US when we're going to FINALLY start having kids. So while he thinks we should tell people we can't have kids, he means it as a joke. He honestly doesn't believe we're infertile. He's absolutely convinced it's just going to work one of these months, and then we'll be pregnant. No medical intervention, no REs, no drugs, shots, pills, nothing. I do appreciate his faith, but this wait is waaaaay worse for one of us. And it's not him.

So who else is waiting with me? A two-week wait? Or waiting for ovulation? Waiting for an appointment? Medication? Your next ultrasound? A new IVF round?


We can wait together.

10 comments:

  1. Hi! Just popped over from Jane at Mine to Command, and in reading your timeline we have a lot in common. We got married the same year, started trying the same month, and neither of us have babies yet. I am a year older though, but we're both "still young" right? Or so people keep saying. I am waiting to start IVF in July. So I am here, waiting alongside you.

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    1. Welcome! You have a much longer wait than I have going - hopefully it goes quickly. And yes, we "young" girls need to stick together.

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  2. Me me me!! Waiting for our follow-up on everything tomorrow at 3p! This will decide our course of action. I guess because I have 2 step-kids no one ever asks us when are we going to have kids? Maybe they assume we won't have any because he already has some I don't know but I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I mean it really is a personal thing. Hoping this cycle worked for you though!

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    1. Oh that's right, your big appointment is today - be sure to update us! Good luck, Amie. I'll be thinking of you at 3.

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  3. Does waiting for my donor to get her period count? If so, then I'm waiting with you. Although I'm happy to wait at this point, because if she gets her period too early then we're screwed timing-wise. Anywho...you mentioned that you ovulated on day 24 but usually get your period by day 33 or 35? That's a pretty short luteal phase...it should be at least 12 days, ideally 14. I know you haven't had a whole lot of testing done, but that might be part of your issue. Totally not a medical professional here, but you should mention that if you end up seeing a specialist.

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    1. Totally counts! And that must be nerve-wracking - and a little weird. Probably the first time you've been overly anxious about a stranger's menstrual cycle.

      And yes, I've been researching luteal phase defects like a maniac. I guess it's not usually considered a "defect" if it's at least 10 days, but longer would be better. This cycle was a bit of a hail mary, since I just starting using OPKs again. I was hoping just adjusting our TI once I knew about the late ovulation would work, but I'm thinking it didn't (temp drop this morning). I think my next step is to look into taking vitex or B6 to try to lengthen it...if only it could be that easy!

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    2. I actually had this same issue when I was still TTC naturally and I found taking B6 and a B complex evened me out to a textbook 14 day luteal phase (up from 9 or 10 days). It actually seemed to make me ovulate a bit earlier, so I previously had around a 28 - 30 day cycle, but didn't ovulate until CD18 or 19, but when I started on the vitamins I would ovulate around CD14 or 15. I did use Vitex for a bit, but I stopped taking it, and continued with the B vits and my luteal phase still stayed lengthened. Plus B vitamins are easy to find, and cheaper than Vitex. Maybe it could work for you as well?!

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    3. That's good to know. Thanks! Of course there could be something much more serious going on, but if I can fix it without medical intervention, I'm willing to try!

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  4. I guess I am in a sort-of two week wait...waiting for school to get out. My two week wait is much better than yours though, admittedly.

    Anyway, my husband was much like Bobby when we were TTC...he was always reassuring me that it WOULD happen, he just knew it. I thought it was sweet, his hopefulness, but totally obnoxious too when I would feel so hopeless sometimes. It wasn't until after we got pregnant that he shared about his moments of doubt.

    Also, I got to a point with some people where the constant questioning was too much and I told them we were struggling. Not sure that was wise, because then the constant questioning turned into, "How's it going?", "Anything new?", "I wish my wife and I had trouble getting pregnant...just enjoy it." etc. Blah!

    Good luck with the wait...and I second the bit about looking into vitamins, etc. for your luteal phase. Keep us posted!

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    1. I'm sure that's a tough wait too - those kiddos are looking forward to summer!

      I think for Bobby (and maybe your husband too) it's hard for them to really comprehend infertility. We don't really know anyone else in our real life that doesn't have kids, and he's not connected to this huge blogging community like I am where I see just how many couples are struggling just like us. He's still thinking: people have kids all the time, how hard can it be? The more I research and learn, the more I realize that, yeah, it actually is kinda hard for many of us.

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