Wait

I'm waiting.

Is anyone else waiting?

It's CD29 and 6dpo for me. My cycles have somewhat regulated themselves into 33-35 day cycles, which I suppose is good because I didn't ovulate until Day 24. My temperature spiked on Friday to officially confirm ovulation.

It's almost pathetic how good I feel about this cycle. Everything went perfectly--there's no way it didn't work, right? Wrong. There are many, many ways that it didn't work. Because as good as I feel about this cycle, I'm equally confident that I won't get pregnant and my period will show up any day this week. Because it's me. And I don't get pregnant.

To make matters worse, I had a baby dream last night. But it wasn't one of those warm, fuzzy, idyllic baby dreams. It actually kind of sucked. We seemed to be at some sort of cabin (I just got back from Up North, cabins are on my mind) at some sort of family reunion. Lots of people had children there, including us. We had this baby--with this perfect round face, chubby cheeks, and just a tiny brush of blonde hair. She had pale skin, so perfect it could have been porcelain and big blue eyes. But she was screaming. A LOT. And I needed to change her diaper, but there was this little tiny cupboard where all the families kept their diapers, and I had to practically crawl inside the cupboard to get anything out and I couldn't find one small enough for her. She was so tiny, like only a few months only, and I could only find size five diapers and pullups. And she just wouldn't stop screaming. I was trying to soothe her, and I was talking to her and telling her how I was going to get her changed and then we would take a nap together, and asking her repeat to me what I just said (I don't know why I did that, she was obviously too little to talk, but I make my volleyball girls do it constantly). I was thinking about how frustrating this was and just how awful the screaming was and I was sure it would never stop. But I kept looking at her and kissing her head--she was just so beautiful--and even though everything was awful, I was still so happy to have this tiny baby.

And then I woke up and realized I had shut off my alarm and only had 20 minutes to get to work.

I'm not great with babies in reality. Apparently Dream Lilee isn't any better. I'll admit, I have serious doubts about keeping a screaming baby alive full time without totally losing my mind. In fact, I probably would be against ever bringing a baby into my home if it weren't for my baby whispering husband. If we ever manage to get pregnant, I'm seriously considering putting him on baby duty and I'll take over at about age three. Or you know, 15. I do pretty well with high school kids.

We endured quite a bit of "when are you going to have kids?" talk this weekend as we attended Grandma Susie's memorial service (probably a whole post on that coming...I'm not sure yet). It was depressing. Bobby keeps insisting we should tell people we can't have kids just so they'll back off. And if we do get pregnant, we'll be overly obnoxious about our Miracle Baby. I told him I'm going to tell people we can't have kids because Bobby got a vasectomy when he was 16 because he was such a player.

But it's nice to see he's equally annoyed by people's nosiness. And to be clear, these aren't just kind-hearted strangers casually asking if we have any kids. These are his family members and people at church who ask us EVERY TIME THEY SEE US when we're going to FINALLY start having kids. So while he thinks we should tell people we can't have kids, he means it as a joke. He honestly doesn't believe we're infertile. He's absolutely convinced it's just going to work one of these months, and then we'll be pregnant. No medical intervention, no REs, no drugs, shots, pills, nothing. I do appreciate his faith, but this wait is waaaaay worse for one of us. And it's not him.

So who else is waiting with me? A two-week wait? Or waiting for ovulation? Waiting for an appointment? Medication? Your next ultrasound? A new IVF round?


We can wait together.