Friday, September 19, 2014

In Case I Forget

Since I do want to track this pregnancy, and since I'm not doing it anywhere else, I should probably write something. I'm also exhausted out of my mind, so here's a bulleted list of what's going on.
  • My vomit-free pregnancy officially ended today in grand fashion as I puked up saltines at work. Other than that, I've just been feeling nauseated all the time. Nothing really helps. Saltines, water, ginger ale, ginger tea, ginger cookies, Conan O'Brien. I've tried it all.
  • The fatigue is worse than I ever imagined. I'm barely keeping my eyes open at work. I'm napping almost every day. I go to sleep at 8:30 p.m. I'm actually sleeping really well. I hardly ever wake up during the night, and if I do, I'm able to fall right back asleep. So that's not the problem. And I know the fatigue is only going to get worse, so any advice would be great.
  • My boss knows I'm pregnant. I was going to tell her at 12 weeks during my one-on-one meeting with her, but she approached me today and asked, "Should I be concerned that you're eating saltines all day and sipping ginger ale?" She promised not to say anything. In a lot of ways, I'm relieved. I've had to make dumb excuses to work from home when I'm really nauseated or tired, or try to sneak in a little late on days I can't get through the gagginess of brushing my teeth. She sent me an email right after we talked saying, "Don't ever worry about coming in late! Take your time. You'll get your work done. I never worry about that." Thankfully no one witnessed the puking, as the secret would probably be completely out then.
  • We haven't told anyone else yet (except my dental hygienist on Tuesday...that was a weird experience all on its own). I'm 9 weeks, 4 days today, and we were sort of holding off on telling people until 12 weeks. But it would be so much easier if everyone knew. I've had to cancel a lot of commitments or drag my exhausted self through them, and I just know people would be a little more understanding about why I can't volunteer for EVERYTHING anymore. 
  • I'm particularly nervous about telling my parents. I have no idea why. I just imagine them giving me a speech about responsibility and throwing away my future--which is crazy! I'm not 16! I'm a totally appropriate age to have a baby...I'm not even that young. They aren't grandparents yet, so really, they'll be thrilled. But having this conversation totally makes me feel like a teenager who did something bad. Since both of their birthdays are soon, I was thinking about getting them "grandparent" things and having them open them. I dunno. Help? Did you tell your parents early? How? Did they yell at you for getting knocked up (just kidding...kind of)?
  • I've tried to at least keep up with walking 30 minutes a day. I originally had some grand plans to keep up with my regular workout, just modifying it a bit and slowing down. Ha! That was a joke. I can't even type the work "jog" without feeling like my lunch is about to reappear. 
  • This one is rough. I've written two whole posts about it and decided not to publish either one. It makes me really sad and disappointed in myself. Here's the truth: I wish my volleyball season was over. I'm struggling this year and I know I'm not on top of my coaching game. I'm distant at practice, mostly sitting out of drills because I'm too nauseated or tired to participate. I feel an incredible disconnect from the girls on my team this year, and I'm sure some of it is my lack of effort to really get to know them. I don't have an assistant this year, so I'm on my own. I really feel like I never should have agreed to take this on, since I'm totally failing at it. I have a little over a month left, and I just want it to go fast and be over. That's not fair my girls, and I hate that I'm feeling this way.
That's probably enough confessions for now. I never wanted to complain about this pregnancy since it's everything I've been trying for the past two years. But I will say it's different than I thought. I imagined some graceful puking in the morning, but being totally fine the rest of the day. I imagined combating fatigue with exercise, fresh air, and healthy foods. I imagined being more excited and less nervous. I imagined more baby bump, let bloated belly.

What has been different than you expected? In pregnancy, in having a baby, in trying to conceive, in fertility treatments? How do you manage your expectations when reality finds you on a tan tile floor of your work bathroom puking into the toilet you share with 18 other women?

4 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. The good news, so I hear, is that the sickness may be gone soon for you :) HUGS

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  2. Sorry you're feeling crummy...but hopefully your first trimester symptoms will soon be replaced by a new batch of symptoms that don't include nausea and fatigue! Almost overnight I felt better at 13 weeks.

    I was expecting my return to work in September to tiring, but I was/am surprised by how exhausted I am...I get when you say you just want your season to be over...I am feeling the same way about school. I know I am not giving it my all...I am sitting in my chair A LOT and not moving around working with and getting to know the kids like I normally do. We aren't dancing and singing as much as I like to in September. When you are tired and don't feel well it is hard to put your heart into your work the way you usually would. BUT, just because your girls aren't getting the best version of you doesn't mean that what you are giving is bad...it's just different than what feels normal for you. You are still giving your time and your expertise and they may be getting more out of their season than you realize. Don't beat yourself up...this is the beginning of priorities shifting and it will take some time to balance everything out.

    So happy for you!! Not so happy you have puke up saltines...

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  3. How awesome your boss is being so supportive. It's like you get a free pass when you're pregnant. You might even get some extra fries when dining out. That happened to me, and talk about a weird gesture. Still, it's nice to be catered to and have some extra understanding with all the side effects, cravings, and all that pregnancy brings. :)

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  4. Ahhh, I don't take this as complaining at all. I take it as being real. Pregnancy is HARD! I love that your boss is being so supportive. As for telling your parents, you've been married a few years now, so they have to somewhat expect it. I get it though, it's ADMITTING to your PARENTS that you actually really do haves sex! lol I'm sure they will be very very excited for you. We told our parents at around 10 weeks. As for coaching, I get that too. While you are not able to coach the way you have in previous years, you are still a role model for those girls and teaching them valuable lessons, volleyball related and otherwise. You don't feel good. It's to be expected that you can't give 100% of what your best usually is, but you CAN give 100% of what you have right now. I've always told my softball players that. It might be a bad day and you can't give it what your 100% is on your best day, but you CAN give 100% of what you have to give today.

    Oh the fatigue. I took naps almost every single day without fail. The good news is that you are able to sleep at night. I never was. You need to give yourself a break and remember that you are growing an actual human being in your body! That is HARD work!!!! It is an absolutely amazing thing what our bodies are capable of doing, but it is definitely not easy.

    I am so happy to hear from you and that while you may not feel very good, your pregnancy is trucking right along. My morning (any-time-of-day) sickness went away around 16 weeks. I only actually vomited a handful of times, but the nausea and all that awful stuff left around 16 weeks.

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