Monday, November 3, 2014

Not Good At This

I don't know how to start this post, so I'm just going to drop this bomb:

I'm not good at being pregnant.

I always thought I would be. I don't really know why, I just assumed I'd be one of those ladies that loves pregnancy and waltzes around town with tons of energy, glowing, with a beautiful, round bump. I'm not that lady. I'm the sweaty lady that can barely fit into my sweatpants because I have an over-sized beer gut.

I'm 16 weeks today, and other than the fact that I'm so excited to be having a baby, I've hated nearly every minute of being pregnant. I'm still nauseated 24/7. I'm still exhausted. I've been worried about how my back would be affected by having a significant weight pulling on it from the front--and it has not been good. Last night I couldn't sleep. I couldn't lay on either of my sides without both my stomach and my back hurting, and I was not longer comfortable lying on my back. My bump isn't adorable, it's fat. It's too much mac and cheese and not enough veggies. My face is getting fat and so are my arms. I tell myself I want to work out, but I just can't force myself to do it. Our "nursery" is so full of junk it overwhelms me to even start thinking about it. I've worn yoga pants to work for the past 6 days. I just want to sleep all the time because it's the only time I'm not dry heaving. I'm not good at this.

A friend of mine once told me I'd be good at being pregnant. She's one of the butt-less women who's back flows directly into her thighs. She said she was constantly off balance while pregnant because she was so front-heavy. Of course, this friend repeatedly told me during high school how jealous she was of how my butt looked in jeans. It's not really a secret--I have a big butt. Like one of those rapper guys' girlfriends sized butt. So apparently, I was supposed to be good at being pregnant, because my butt would keep me from tipping over once my belly got big.

I've also been an athlete my entire life. I'm fairly strong, coordinated, and agile. Carrying around an extra 20 pounds didn't seem like it would be rough. I've always had decent ab strength, which I hear is good for labor. When my volleyball career ended, what else was I supposed to do with this life-long training? Why not be really good at having babies?

At the beginning of our infertility journey, when it was becoming clear that getting pregnant wasn't easy, I had to reflect for awhile. I was definitely pro-adoption (even over using ART), and I had to really decide if I was okay with not carrying my children. And I decided early on that I was. While I had always imagined carrying my children the old fashioned way, I didn't find myself "grieving" the loss of pregnancy. Of course, it never truly came to that, but what I realized was what I really wanted was to have kids and be a mom. I didn't need to be pregnant for that to happen.

And then I got pregnant. And it was rough. From about 7 weeks on, I was miserable. I was nervous about everything. I was sick. I was tired. I was lazy. I was hungry. I was pooping. I was anxious. And I was seriously questioning why anyone had more than one child after knowing what they were getting into. THIS was the magical time of pregnancy that everyone gloated about? No, thank you.

 I want this baby so badly to be here in my arms. I want to meet this tiny person that I've come to call Cannoli. I'm not even halfway through the pregnancy, but I'm so ready for it to be over. This might make me a horrible person for writing all this when there's so many women stuck in infertility wanting so badly to be pregnant. I know how that feels too. I thought this was what I wanted. I just didn't know that I'd be so bad at it.

7 comments:

  1. As much as I fought to be pregnant, I was not a big fan of being pregnant. We are made to feel guilty because we don't just love every single second of it, but we are only human and it is totally okay.

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  2. I'm sure every woman is different when it comes to being pregnant. You are not a bad person at all for saying how you are feeling. Hugs to you my friend! Happy 16 weeks though, that's pretty amazing!

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  3. You are human. I think because we struggle to achieve it, we think we have to love it. Sometimes, it's just hard and uncomfortable. It doesn't make you a bad person and it's ok to no like it. Hugs!! Happy 16 wks!

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  4. I had a bunch of friends tell me how much they OMGLOVED being pregnant. I am still waiting to get to that point. I don't hate it, but I'm not in love with it either. Possibly because, like you, I still just look fat and don't have a bump to embrace. I actually overheard someone at my OB office today saying that she started loving it at about 6 months, which I can see. You look it, you can feel stuff...it's how it's supposed to be. Although I have to say that I've definitely thought pregnancy was a lot cooler since I started feeling movement. You'll be there soon!

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  5. I couldn't help but smile while reading your post. I'm sorry. I just totally understand what you are saying. I am here to tell you it does get better, but.... unfortunately it also gets harder too. You WILL get that adorable bump, you just aren't there yet. Pregnancy is HARD! I did not love being pregnant either, but I am so glad I got to experience it and I would do it all over again. It will be SO worth it once you get to hold that little one in your arms. It is AMAZING to feel the baby kick and move about. I felt so much the same way as you. My back hurt, my hands hurt, I was uncomfortable, I felt just fat for a long time, I wanted to sleep all the time, and I was overwhelmed with having to make room in the nursery for babies. It will all come together though, and it WILL be so worth it. I would almost bet that when it's all over, you will one day want to do it again :)

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  6. I'm sorry but I totally laughed about your butt supposedly balancing you out and making you a good candidate for pregnancy. Too funny...but seriously, I am sorry that it's been rough for you. As is getting to this point wasn't hard enough, right?! Everyone's experience is different and you shouldn't feel any shame/guilt for not loving pregnancy. I'm not sure that I loved it either...but I didn't hate it...the weirdest thing is that I miss it. Not like I want to put James back in...I love holding him in my arms...but there was something really special about growing with him. Anyway, I do hope it gets better for you soon. Wow! 16 weeks! The rest will simultaneously fly by and feel like forever.

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  7. Don't feel bad. Not everyone has the same butterlies and glitter pregnancy. As long as you and baby stay healthy that's all the matters. No one here will judge you!

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