Tuesday, April 15, 2014

And the Universe Laughs in My Face

Well, it's about time the Universe got even with me for writing my last post, filled with naive optimism. I suppose this is what I get for thinking that I have any sort of control of my own fertility.

A year or so ago, a friend mentioned she and her husband were thinking about having a second child. "We'd like a summer baby, so we're waiting to start trying for a few more months." I almost laughed in her face, as we'd been trying for over a year already for an anytime-of-year baby with no luck. But I kept my mouth shut. She's due in the middle of June. People do things like that. Plan for "summer babies." It blows my mind.

As I mentioned in my last post, I had planned out which days we were going to have sex to maximize this fertility window. Basically our plan was to shove as much sperm in there as possible and hope one of them is suave enough to successfully chat up the egg when she shows up.

Except last night failed. We try to make timed intercourse sexier than the phrase "timed intercourse." But it's really not. Neither of us was in the mood all night. We were marathoning House of Cards, and kept putting it off. We'd try to flirt and keep it interesting, but it sounded more like Chandler flirting with Pheobe ("Are you ready to have all the sex?"). It was not attractive, or hot, or interesting. We made a good effort, but as Jane at Mine to Command would say, the rocket was on the launch pad, but wouldn't blast off.

I was too tired to keep going since we'd waited until we were ready for bed to start. I was annoyed at Bobby, annoyed at myself, and annoyed at the Universe. I went to bed upset, woke up still upset, and that's why this post is all over the place. My temperature hadn't spiked this morning, so it's probably okay. We'll just have to try again. Which is exactly how you want to describe your sex life.

I'm feeling much less optimistic about this cycle now. Not because we missed ovulation, because we probably haven't. We probably have a few more chances to get it done. I'm feeling disappointed because this is how this infertility struggle has gone for me. Just when I think I'm making progress and controlling my own destiny, something like this happens, and reminds me that I'm helpless. I'll never have a summer baby.

To make matters worse, yesterday I was approached by the administrator of the school where I coach about teaching Creative Writing classes there next year. I've been bugging Bobby a lot lately about how I need to finish my master's degree because I want to think about getting into teaching. This is the perfect opportunity! I'd teach two classes, they'd fit them around the lunch hour at my current job (which is flexible), and I'd get the best of all possible worlds. If I hate it, I won't waste my time finishing my degree.

But...here's where things start to get unfair again...if I get pregnant in the next few months, I'd be due in early 2015. They wouldn't want to hire a teacher for one semester. The only thing I have going for me is that I probably wouldn't have to sign the contract until the end of July. So even if I conceived in August, I would be able to get through almost the entire school year (and could plausibly deny knowing I was pregnant until the end of September or so). I'm sure when I'm finishing up teaching at the end of next school year, I'll laugh at this whole paragraph...that I was crazy to think I could possibly get pregnant and not be able to teach.

In fact, I'm sure the Universe is laughing at me right now.

18 comments:

  1. I still have a hard time believing that people can actually plan their children. What a world that would be!

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    1. I swear some people are just too fertile for their own good. I can't even imagine!

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  2. Crazy that some people are blessed to be able to plan when their children are born wow! I say (or what I am trying really hard to do myself) live your life as you want. If you get a wonderful surprise of pregnancy then you can make changes then. Of course that is only my opinion. I am getting tired and frustrated with not planning things ahead because I "might" get pregnant. Then if it does happen the news would be awesome!! Heck maybe then it would happen because we weren't "planning" it haha!

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    1. Thanks, Amie. This is good advice. I have done too much planning about "might be pregnant." Time to just live. Women get pregnant all the time, and those around them deal with it.

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  3. A piece of advice from someone who put her life on hold for a year thinking that every next cycle would be the one that got me pregnant: don't. Do the things you want to do, and if you get pregnant, you'll manage. If you don't do them and the months keep passing, you'll regret wasting the time. Just my 2 cents, not that you asked for it. :)

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    1. I agree with this wholeheartedly. It's a good problem to have to solve.

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    2. Thanks, ladies. As i re-read, it does seem like a pretty good problem to have. I'll either get to take this teaching job that I really want, or I'll be pregnant. I'm definitely tired of planning around "if I get pregnant..."

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  4. Oh, the failure to launch is the worst. I feel so guilty and so whore-ish and I know he feels totally defeated. From a year and a half of blogging, I learned it happens to a LOT of guys. The summer baby also blows my mind, but I'm also some one who was pretty daft in the beginning and I took Plan B to avoid pregnancy during a vacation and almost skipped trying one month as the due date would have been Valentine's Day. I still have times I would prefer over others, but any day that I can have a baby will be a good day!
    I'll also echo Aramis's point about going on with your life. When we were leaving Nashville, my dad and I were talking about getting tickets for next year (and bringing our spouses). Rather than immediately think "I can't commit to anything that far in advance" I just acknowledged... hey if I'm pregnant or with a new born at that time... there's this thing call StubHub, we can just sell the tickets. You'll find ways to manage and everyone can deal.

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    1. Haha "whore-ish" is totally a perfect description. I don't know why, but it's like this awkward situation of "yeah...this isn't working...let's be done now." It really shouldn't be, but it just is. I know it's pretty common, so that is reassuring. But still super frustrating. Thanks for the advice, and you're right, if I'm pregnant/have a newborn, we'll figure it out. I'm way over-thinking this.

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  5. I was also going to add that we refer to TI as "scheduled coitus" ... because it sounds way sexier..

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  6. The universe is not laughing at you for thinking you might be pregnant. I say go for the opportunity and cross those bridges as they come.

    God bless you on the failure to launch. Ugh, been there! Think I must be the only person on the planet who prefers anything BUT night time sex for that reason...always felt more forced with less energy or something. Don't think I ever mastered "changing the subject" after one of those incidents either. Glad you still have time in your fertile window. Crossing fingers for success on the next try!

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  7. Hey, new follower. Loved this. I relate to EVERYTHING you wrote. All of it. Especially the "people actually plan for summer babies" part. Ha! I know. It's insane. It's really crazy. It blows my mind!

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    1. Thanks for finding me! What a world, right? Ah yes, I'd like to order one summer baby, please.

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  8. Hi Lilee, Sorry it's been awhile...just catching up on your posts and have a few things to say: 1.) Can totally relate (or commiserate) with the timed intercourse. It's the worst! I am so sorry you have to go through that---it's a whole mess of yucky feelings. 2.) The whole planning bit. Yeah, that's annoying. I, at one point, naively thought I could be a "timer." In fact, (and I hate to admit it), but there were a couple years before we REALLY started trying that we tried for a 3-4 month span of time so I would have a baby toward the end of the school year and be able to take my maternity leave and then have the whole summer off. SOO STUPID! I was such an idiot. And was completely wasting time. I'd go back on the pill for the other 8 months of the year. (Btw, this was not advised by any doctors. I thought I'd get pregnant on my own schedule and then go see a doctor when the deed had already been done.) 3. In regards to your previous post: the reasons for and against getting pregnant any particular cycle are a total mind f***. I think infertility does that to all its victims. But, it is great news that you are starting to regulate:). That's got to be good for something, right? And finally, 4.) I agree with what others have said, it's absolutely draining to continue to plan your life around IF this cycle works. You just have to make decisions for now and deal with later when it comes. Easier said than done of course because each cycle you write this new novel of how life is going to unfold...how you will tell people, when you'll be pregnant, when you'll have the baby, etc. Anyway, thinking of you and wishing you the best always!

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    1. Glad you're back! Thanks for commiserating with me. And I know, my baby making schedule has not been advised by any doctor. Just me thinking I can control things like my own fertility.

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  9. Hi there, just found you blog. I can totally relate to what you said about how you think everything will work out in your favor and then it changes. I always say with infertility, it's important to have a plan but never expect it to go like you think or want it to. I just found out we will be doing ivf this summer. We have been trying for a 3rd iui since January and the last two times I used injectable FSH and was over stimulated both times. It's been very frustrating and upsetting, but I try to roll with the punches, as hard as that can be. I try to remember fight for it not against it. I wish you the best of luck on your journey!!

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    1. Welcome! Thanks for finding me. I just caught up with a couple of your old posts. That sucks about over-stimulation, so hopefully IVF is the way to go for you. You are super positive person (much more than me!), and I'm really hoping it all works out for you!

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