Monday, April 14, 2014

Tonight, on Letterman...

I'm convinced I'm going to get pregnant this cycle. I hate that about myself. Because at the same time, I know that there's an overwhelmingly more likely chance that I will not get pregnant this cycle. I wish I could stop torturing myself.

Right now, it's fertile week. Neither one of us is sick, or out of town, or overly busy. We have scheduled sex (hot, right?) and it's going to happen. I just have a good feeling about this. Which we all know is the deciding factor that leads to pregnancy, am I right? So while I'm feeling annoyingly optimistic about this, here is a Letterman-style list for your viewing pleasure.

Reasons I'm convinced I'm going to get pregnant this cycle:
(Could also be labeled: "A list of totally irrelevant, unscientific reasons this crazy girl is using to live in denial")
  • My periods have finally regulated. I went off birth control in April 2012. In two years, I had no semblance of a normal, regular cycle. While I'm still not exactly hitting the 28-day perfect cycle, I'm actually having a period every month. 
  • We probably only have enough Pre-Seed left for this cycle. I'm so sick of buying expensive lube. We only use it during the fertile week, and stick to the cheap $1.98 Walmart brand that comes in a pump bottle for the rest of the month. I realize that those of you who are paying for IVF out of pocket are laughing at me for calling Pre-Seed expensive. But seriously, $24 for a tiny tube? That's ridiculous! There's many more things I'd rather spend $20 on than fancy lubes that don't even warm or tingle (which I have also never used - that weirds me out).
  • I lied to my best friend about being on the pill. So that would totally be my luck that I get pregnant and have to admit to lying about something so dumb because I didn't want to admit to my infertility. That just sounds awful.
  • I would be due in January. That means, I could still coach volleyball next fall (I'd be large, but it's totally doable). So baby would be over six months old by the time the next fall season started. It's like it's meant to be!
  • Bobby just got promoted at work, and has now reached the cap where we decided (several years ago) that I could quit working if he was making this amount. Of course, I like my job and may work here forever, but we could reasonably live on only his income, and I'd have the option to stay home with the baby if I wanted.
  • I've started working out more recently and dropping some of my winter weight. So of course that means I need a big life-changing event to undo all of this progress I've made. 
  • I just feel like it's been freaking long enough. We've been married for nearly four years. We've been trying to have a baby for close to two. It's about time this works. 
So really, there's no actual reason why this cycle should work over any other. I don't know why I feel good about it. I shouldn't, really. There's just as many or more reasons why this cycle is exactly like all the others. Yep, another list.

Reasons why I'm not going to get pregnant this cycle:
(Could also be labeled: "A list of totally depressing, though accurate reasons this emotional girl needs to keep her hope in check" )
  • I have no idea when I ovulate. I use an app on my phone that tells me, but it just guesses when I should based on the average length of my periods. So all this well-planned sex is pretty much for nothing.
  • Tracking my temperature is a total crap shoot. It's all over the place. It is not helping me determine ovulation. So while it feels like I'm doing the right things, I'm really not doing anything helpful.
  • I haven't used OPKs because I don't have time to test in the afternoon when it's recommended. I'm either at work or volleyball practice. I've said I'll start in the summer, if I'm still not pregnant. So until I know more accurately if/when I'm ovulating, this cycle is no different than all the others.
  • I'm too emotionally invested in this cycle. I know I'll cry my eyes out when it fails, which sucks. Or more likely, I'll cry my eyes out because my shoelace snapped, or I lost a button off my favorite cardigan, or I dropped the ice tray on the kitchen floor and keep stepping in water in my socks.
  • It's never worked before. This is the number one reason why I can never be too hopeful. My body doesn't know how to be pregnant. Sure, that's not really a valid excuse, because no body has been pregnant before it is for the first time. But there could be a whole host of reasons that my body will never make a baby - and I'm convinced I have all of them. 
So, it would be pretty freaking amazing if this cycle worked. But let's be real, it probably won't. Can you tell how much infertility screws with my mind?

How do balance your hopeful optimism with your sad realism?  Where are you in your cycle, and can we please commiserate together?

In an unrelated note, I had a dream last night that I had a slumber party with a bunch of you infertility bloggers. Yes, like a real, sleep-on-the-floor slumber party with total strangers who I only know by usernames and thumbnail photos. Maybe I'm thinking about infertility a little too much...

11 comments:

  1. I can relate so much to this. While there may not be a reason why this cycle should work over others, I like to look at it as there's no reason it shouldn't work, so therefore this one could be it. I hope it is for you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I hear ya on all of this for sure! I so felt good about this cycle and my progesterone numbers were higher than the time I was pregnant but yesterday brought AF so yeah, I guess my feel good was actually bad ggrrrr. But I sure do hope that every single thing you are feeling is right and it works for you this time :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry to hear about CD1, Amie. Hoping for good progesterone numbers for you again this cycle. But yes, so frustrating!

      Delete
  3. Sounds to me like you have many great reasons for this to work!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Was I there? For the record, if we have a sleepover, we have to watch Newsies. Am I the only one old enough to have liked this movie? Am I ancient? Does anyone care?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha, Aramis! You actually were there. Which is funny because I have no idea what you look like...other than a cat. Newsies! YES! I love that movie (is it really that old? Am I really that old?) I don't care how famous Christian Bale gets, he will always be Cowboy Jack Kelly in my book!

      Delete
    2. I think I love you. We have to be best friends.

      Delete
  5. I think we all do this. My favorite is, "I don't think this cycle will work because of XYZ, therefore, because I'm convinced it won't work, it will obviously be the one." I've thought that several times. The logic is just breathtaking. All reasons aside, I really hope your instincts are right and this month is it for you. And I hope you're not too discouraged from the missed babymaking sex (sorry, I'm combining posts!), it sounds like you're still in it for this month. There are going to be those crap nights, but don't get too caught up on them - after all, if you're feeling discouraged about the cycle, it probably means it's going to work! Oh wait... ugh. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my gosh. This is my life. "I KNOW I'm not going to get pregnant this cycle because we had sex three days too early, so I'm not even going to worry about it. Which means I'm TOTALLY going to get pregnant this cycle because I'm not thinking about it and it's possible for sperm to live in there for awhile...so I'm going to be so surprised!" Yeah...cuz that's how my life works.

      Delete