Do you want to know the absolute worst thing for an infertile to feel when her period is about to arrive (or even a day or two late)? Nausea. Why? Because nausea is real. It's a real-life pregnancy symptom. It's not bloating, cramping, sore boobs, acne, or anything else that is identical to menstrual symptoms. It's different. It's one of the first symptoms normal, fertile woman use to determine they're pregnant. It's not a "twinge" in the uterus/ovary area that could easily be ANYTHING ELSE. It's not stomach bubbles that are really just gas. It's not heartburn that was obviously caused by the deep dish pizza she devoured. It's nausea. It's "morning sickness." And it is the worst thing that could possibly happen to me.
Remember back here when I said I wasn't positive about this cycle? Nausea instantly erased that acceptance of a negative cycle. With its heightened gag reflex and queasiness, it instilled the absolutely worst possible feeling inside of me. Worse than the taste of pennies in my mouth. Worse than the serious panic attack I had when I was sure I was going to puke on my desk. Worse than the vertigo in the shower. No, the horrible, horrible feeling: hope.
Of course, never mind the fact that the nausea arrived shortly after I returned from a run (okay, jog) and then promptly guzzled a liter of water. All less than an hour after shoveling a plate full of broccoli alfredo pasta into my face. But no, surely the 8 p.m. nausea was, in fact, morning sickness. And I must be pregnant.
Despite the fact that we had sex two full nights before ovulation. Despite the fact that my temperature took a huge nosedive this morning and AF is surely on her way right this minute (this may be flawed. I only got about four hours of restless sleep last night after staying up to watch the Wild clinch the series in overtime. (Suck it, Landeskog! (Apologies to any Avalanche fans, but that dude's a dick.)) (Also, my parentheses situation seems to have gotten out of hand.) And I was so wound up I couldn't sleep. Since I heard Bobby's alarm go off at 5:30, I figured I wouldn't fall back asleep anyway, so I may as well temp. Not exactly ideal conditions for an accurate read. I guess we'll find out tomorrow).
So I've been feeling nauseated on and off for a few days now. Mostly after I guzzle water. Sometimes when I'm hungry. Always when I'm trying to make myself feel pregnant. My period is, I suppose, on the late side. It's CD31, but that's not really unusual for me. My cycles have been averaging 30-35 days lately, so it could still be on schedule. Plus I'm nearly positive I ovulated on Day 22 or 23 (I forget which, my phone keeps track of this sort of information. I can't be bothered to store all that in my head!). So, if it's just a long cycle with a normal-length LP, then AF isn't due for another week.
This is the worst, right? This waiting, guessing, planning, wondering. I'm annoyed that I'm even typing these words out. I sound like a whiny child. Why am I not pregnant? When is my period coming? Why can't I eat cake for every meal and not get fat?
Is anyone else waiting for their period to show up? Or waiting for anything more interesting (a promotion, a vacation, the mail? Seriously...literally ANYTHING ELSE would be more interesting than that)? Tell me about it, please. Because otherwise I'm just going to continue to wallow in my icky despair.
Oh, and obnoxiously celebrate the Wild's win!!!!! Except not too much. Because I'm still nauseated.