Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Life and Death

This world we live in, the way things happen, it's strange, right? Things like birth and death seem so mysterious...and yet, they just happen. Every day.

Yesterday, I saw something for the very first time. A small stick with two identical pink lines. Not a pregnancy test, of course. Things aren't that easy around here. But a positive ovulation predictor. The lines came up instantly. Within 30 seconds of being dipped in pee. The test line was maybe even a little darker than the control. I couldn't believe it. I was sure my eyes were making it all up--but no, there it was.

Yesterday was Cycle Day 24. Maybe that's why we've been so unsuccessful. We were guessing at a fertile window of days 14-19. Since I hadn't gotten a positive OPK yet, I just kept up with it. And there it was.

When Bobby came home from work, I showed him, and told him that meant we needed to have sex. He agreed, but not right then. That was fine. We had plenty of time. Plus, I sort of like the idea of our baby being conceived through passionate lovemaking, you know, instead of a quick, obligatory bang while we're both playing on our phones.

We made an early supper and watched a bit of tv. We had a double header softball game that night, and Bobby doesn't like to have sex before games.

"It messes with my swing. My legs always fatigue faster and there's something off with my throws." I think he's making it all up, but I'll concede that I prefer not to be leaking jizz while running the bases. It made me nervous to wait, however. This was our first confirmed ovulation in two years. I didn't want anything to jeopardize it.

Whenever Bobby's horny on Saturday mornings, he insists on morning sex. Of course, morning sex is sort of  special anyway, since it's reserved for Saturdays. But he also has other reasons.

"If we wait, I might do something stupid and you'll get mad at me. We need to do it before I can say anything wrong."

He has a point.

So waiting until after softball felt similar. We both might be tired, or if we lost we'd be crabby. One of us could get hurt and be unable to perform, or any number of other things that could go wrong in the next two and a half hours.

After the games, we were feeling good. We'd won, we weren't mad at each other, no injuries. We gathered our gear, ready to go home and get it on. I sat on the tailgate of the truck, clapping my cleats together while Bobby packed away the bat bags.


"Yeah," I said, jumping down and and gathering my glove and shoes. Bobby was holding his phone, obviously just checking his messages.

"Grandma Susie...she's...gone."

It wasn't a shock really. A year and a half ago, Bobby's stepmom's mother--Grandma Susie--was diagnosed with pulmonary vascular disease and given six months to live. But in that moment, it was still a shock.

"What...? When...?" I stuttered all the wrong things.

Bobby called over to his younger brother Steve who was parked a few cars away and plays on our softball team.

"Did you see?....Grandma Susie..."

Steve was checking his phone too and just nodded. We made plans to go together to the memorial service this Saturday, and then drove away.

Bobby called his dad when we got home and seemed to sort some things out.

At 9:30 p.m., Bobby said, "Let's make a baby."

I would be lying if I said it hadn't crossed my mind that we might miss the ovulation window. I know, it's completely and utterly selfish to think about myself and how Grandma Susie's death was putting a damper on my babymaking plans. Believe me, I hate myself for even thinking it. I didn't want to be the girl that makes someone else's death about herself.

I ran through a lot of "do you really want to do this?" before Bobby finally stopped me and said: "Lilee, I want a baby."

Is this the story of how our child was conceived? I don't know yet. Probably not. This is just the story about how quickly life and priorities change. How people are born, live, and die. It's still a mystery and it's still strange. And yet it just happens. Every day.


  1. I love this post, I really do. So much happiness and sadness and strangeness all together, so well written. I will say, Hooray for a positive OPK!!! and, I'm very sorry for the loss of Bobby's grandma, in the same breath, and I don't think one needs to take away from the other. I'm glad Bobby felt the same and you guys are about to be a confirmed two week wait. Also, with every post I like your husband more, he just truly sounds like a good man. Luck you :)

    1. I found through blog reading that infertility tends to either cause a lot of tension in a marriage, or bring couples closer together. We've definitely gotten closer. Bobby has always been a kind and good man, but I appreciate him so much when I read about other women who don't seem to have that kind of support from their husbands. I'm sure you guys would be great friends :)

  2. I am so sorry for you families loss. Happy happy for the positive OPK!!!

  3. Wow, first confirmed ovulation in 2 years?! Congrats on that first and foremost!! So glad you were able to DTD within such a promising fertile window. KMFX for you to get two more pink lines in a couple weeks' time!

    Secondly, sorry about Grandma Susie. :( I'm glad she is no longer struggling with pulmonary disease though. So sweet your hubby's words.

    1. First positive OPK I suppose I should say. I've seen ovulation through BBT charts, but of course by that time it's too late. This is the most promising it's been in two years! And if nothing else, we've learned that I ovulate we can adjust our timing in the future if this cycle doesn't work out.

      Thanks for your kind words!

  4. Oh Lilee! So sorry for your loss! Hoping this is your sunrise, sunset moment!

  5. Awesome news about your ovulation! Fingers crossed for you:)