Checking In

Well, friends, a few of you have shown some concern in my absence these last few weeks. I didn't mean to leave you all hanging. I just sort of...left. I stepped back, I talked to several people about foster care licensure in my county, I spent some time fortifying my heart with the plan to live childfree.

I don't know why exactly, it just sort of crept over me, this intense feeling of I don't want to do this anymore. "This" being "trying to get pregnant."

The last time I wrote, I detailed my plan of starting Vitex and B6. The day I wrote, I said I didn't think it was working, because it was something like Cycle Day 22, and I thought I was still a few days away from a positive OPK. Somewhat surprisingly, I got a positive that night. Which meant in one month of taking Vitex, my ovulation moved up two days (baby steps, right?). I was hoping that meant I had been cured. Surely something had worked, and now I would get pregnant that month! It didn't happen, and don't call me Shirley.

My period arrived on schedule, though it was barely a blip on my radar. I was crazy busy, in the middle of an intense new workout schedule I was excited about, and planning for vacation. At least the new medication regimen had done something...it could only get better, right?

Fast forward to this month. Bobby and I are leaving tomorrow morning for our anniversary vacation in Duluth, and then we'll join my family at the cabin later in the week. And wouldn't you know it, our anniversary excursion is falling right in Cycle Day 21-24...ovulation time. It's like a SIGN from GOD, amirite? I was going to be one of those MILLIONS of couples that just went on vacation to get pregnant!

I hadn't been using OPKs as early this cycle, I figured it was a waste to start testing on day 15, when I wasn't getting even close to positive until sometime in the mid-20s. So I started testing yesterday, on CD19. Cue my complete shock when it was positive. Or at least really freaking close. Since I normally test early, I can see the tests gradually get darker and know for sure when the positive hits. Well...yesterday's sure looked positive. The test line was at least as dark as the control, but it was a little spotty at the top. I didn't have anything to compare it to, so we did the responsible thing and had lots of sex.

I tested again today, and it was negative. Test line completely faded. So the surge, whether it was just one day (yesterday), or yesterday was the tail end of an earlier surge, I'll never know. We'll still have tons of sex this weekend (because, you know, hotel sex=best kind), but it won't be obligatory. I'm either ovulating now, or it's already passed and we missed it. I'm trying not to think about it (because then I'll be on vacation, not even thinking about it, and we'll get pregnant! It's like a freaking fairy tale!)

As soon as we get back from vacation, I start coaching preseason volleyball, plus I'm hosting my in-laws for a week. This two-week wait will be the fasted yet (or the most torturingly slow) because I'll be so busy and preoccupied with so many other things.

I took a hiatus from blogging both because I was busy and because I was sad. I was seriously considering giving up on the whole trying to conceive world, and I couldn't handle spending so much time thinking about and worrying about infertility. I needed some time away. While Bobby talked me out of getting my tubes tied (or at least starting birth control again), I sort of gave up hope that getting pregnant was ever going to happen for us. And if I wasn't trying anymore, I didn't see the point in blogging--especially since every time I checked in, I got ever more sad.

So many of my blogging friends have confirmed pregnancies in the last few months, and it felt like real life all over again. Everyone was getting pregnant except for me. I'm so overjoyed for these women because they have worked so hard to get to this place and they deserve this so much. I absolutely hoped for this very outcome for every single one of them, and I know they will all be fantastic mothers. But that doesn't make it easier for me to still be stuck waiting.

I do have a lot more to write about, and I do hope to catch up on reading your blogs during vacation. Bobby and I had a fantastic conversation in the car today, and I need to process it in writing. There are also things I've been looking into that I could use advice and opinions on. Some day I'll get my life together and get back to writing.

Thank you to everyone who worried about me and wished me well. You are all wonderful, and I feel so lucky to have this community. I feel honored that you would care about a virtual stranger enough to check in on me occasionally. I'll try not to leave you so abruptly again with no explanation.