Wednesday, August 20, 2014

I'm That Girl

You know those people who like to tell infertiles to “just relax” or “go on vacation” or “just adopt—then you’ll get pregnant for sure”? Of course you know them. I know them too. They’re dicks. I mean, even a generally nice person’s rating automatically goes up from “not very douchey” right past “guys named Chad” to “Donald Trump” on the douchebag scale.

But dammit if they weren't right. 

Two weeks ago I put away the OPKs. I said, “Screw it! I’m going on vacation!” and then I did. We had a wonderfully enjoyable anniversary weekend and I even refused to prop my hips up after sex. We rolled over, cleaned up, and ate a sandwich like normal couples. When we got home from vacation, Bobby and I had a long talk about a adoption. We committed that if I wasn’t pregnant by the end of December 2014, we’d fill out the paperwork in January. 

Like clockwork, on CD30 I started spotting. It was (if you are squeamish, please look away, this is about to be the grossest thing I’ve ever typed - skip the rest of this paragraph) brown, and a tiny bit pinkish, but it wasn’t really “spotting.” It was mucousy. And slimy. And it was really only on the toilet paper—not...falling out of me. And after a day or two it wasn’t even brown any more. It was more green. I was pretty sure there was actual snot coming out of my vagina. 

Bobby’s parents were staying at our house, and I had already started volleyball preseason with horrible two-a-day practices (what kind of crazy coach has 6:00 a.m. practices!? Me, I guess). I didn’t really have time to worry about why my period was so wonky. I knew it would start eventually. It always does. Until it didn’t. 

My cycles are normally on the longer side, but I thought this time it might shift, since I ovulated somewhere around CD19. So when I hit CD33, and the spotting had nearly disappeared, I was confused. 

I’m not a POASer. Not at all. In fact, I don’t even keep pregnancy tests in the house. But...I was heading to evening volleyball practice, and I knew I was running drills where I would be scrimmaging with the girls. Should I play? Should I dive? It was only a few minutes before practice, and I didn’t have a pregnancy test. So I peed on an OPK, since I’ve read that they can also work as a HPT in a pinch. It was super positive. Very dark double lines. But then I noticed more brownish spotting on the toilet paper. Duped again. I was sure my period would start any minute, possibly even at practice, since I was starting to notice some crampy twinges in my stomach. I went and played volleyball.

The cramps stayed, but they weren’t ever as painful as menstrual cramps. Just very mild stretching. My period never showed up, and my temps never dropped. 

I know I’m burying the lead here, but I still don’t know what to think. And I don't want to step on toes or hurt feelings. I know how much it sucks to read these kinds of posts. Believe me, I know. I realize that by doing this I'm automatically bumping my douchebag status up to at least "guys named Chad." And the fact that this probably happened while I was relaxing on vacation might just lift me to the level of "calling people 'Champ'" or "hanging truck nuts."

But there I was yesterday afternoon, after finally making a trip to the store to pick up a real, live pregnancy test. I stared at those two pink lines longer than I’ve ever stared at two lines before. And that’s actually impressive for me, as I’m a graphic designer, and I spend a huge majority of my days staring at lines. 

The second line was definitely fainter than the first, but it was there. But it was so faint... That circle of thought went around my mind a million times. There’s a second line...I’m pregnant. It’s so faint...maybe it’s not real. Any second line is a positive...but why is it so light!?

I frantically drove to a nearby Walgreens with the intention of getting a digital test and some sort of “World’s Greatest Dad” mug for Bobby. I stared at the pregnancy test aisle for five straight minutes before running back out of the store empty handed. This was the most pregnant I’d ever been. I wanted to enjoy it for the day. I was terrified of seeing “Not Pregnant” so blatantly. (I realize now, the Walgreens' employees probably thought I was shoplifting. Oops.)

Telling Bobby didn’t pan out in any romantic, exciting, picturesque way I’d imagined. I left the test on the bathroom counter for him when he got home from work, hoping he’d find it. He didn’t go into the bathroom. So when he came back out to the living room after changing clothes, I eventually told him I got him something and left it in the bathroom. He paused Sportscenter, sighed, and went to find out what it was. 

He was in there a long time. I guess I was imagining him running out to the living room and scooping me up in his arms for a slow-motion, spin-in-circles celebration of happy squeals and tears. Instead, he came back with a confused look on his face. 

“Why are you telling me you’re not pregnant?”

“What? It’s positive.”

“There’s no second line.” 

“You don’t see a second line?” Great...this again. Maybe I am crazy.

“Yeah...but it’s so much lighter.”

“I know.”

“Why is it so much lighter?”

“I don’t know.” 

I then explained the concept of pregnancy tests to him, and how they were different from OPKs. How the second line could be lighter, and that still meant positive. I even made him read the instructions. But I was secretly wondering all the same things he was. 

“What are you saying?” he finally asked. 

I think he wanted me to actually say the words: “We’re having a baby!” or “You’re going to be a dad!” or even “I’m pregnant!” You know, things normal people say.

I didn’t. I just said, “I don’t know. This isn’t how I thought this would go.”

We lay on our bed together for a while and talked. He never reached “excitement.” More like anxious, yet slightly pleased with the idea. Of course, he would say he was being realistic. Over and over, he worried about getting too excited or attached. I hate so much what infertility has done to us. We can’t even be excited about our first ever positive pregnancy test because we’re both waiting for it to be taken away at any moment. 

I decided to test again this morning, maybe undiluted urine would give me a confident positive. It didn’t. It was exactly the same faint second line (but thank God for that faint little line!). I realize it’s much too early to be announcing this anywhere, but holy balls I don’t even know what to do. I’m telling all of you because I need you (also, you don’t actually know me, so screw being too early). And I will definitely need you if this all falls apart and it was nothing more than a shadow. Or a chemical. Or a miscarriage.

I realize it could be light because my period is technically only a few days late, based on my long cycles. However, I'm also something like 16-17dpo. So, you know, WTF?

So now what? Call a doctor (or maybe a psychiatrist)? Take a digital? What do normal people do when they think they’re pregnant?

What do you think about my sad little second line?

27 comments:

  1. It's still very much a second line so of course I say call your OBGYN for sure!! Even though it's not an RE I would think they will at least want to get a beta or two from you. Congrats to you girl!!!

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    1. Thanks, Amie. You are so sweet. Right away I was wondering do I even get a beta? Are those only for infertiles? I don't even know what normal people do because I only read infertility blogs.

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    2. Good question right lol I mean I guess they would do a beta? My OB did with our only pregnancy but I was also taking clomid through her so I don't know if they normally do that or not.

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  2. Ummm, that is NOT a sad little second line! I can plainly see it clear as day. That line usually gets darker by skipping a day, but holy cow! That's a pretty good line already missy! Yay! YAY!!! This does NOT make you a douche bag honey. This makes it inspiring and gives hope for all those not quite there yet. I am so happy for you and will keep my fingers crossed that things keep progressing!

    I fully understand not getting super excited yet, because the reality of it hasn't set in. It probably won't for awhile. I don't look at that as something that infertility takes away, but as something that IF gives us because we learn to appreciate and value it even more when that reality does eventually set in.

    I can't wait to hear more! Keep us posted!!!

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  3. Am I the only one who sees this?? Correct me if I am wrong, but the line on your RIGHT is CONTROL line and the line on your LEFT is the actual test line (which is WAY darker than your control line??

    Sorry I am completely OCD with pee sticks. You have some much hcg that your test line is much darker than control line. This is fantastic news!

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    1. Omgoodness! Tonisha is right!! I didn't catch this the first time I looked. Girl, that is no faint line! The test line is actually darker than the control line!

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    2. Okay, those were actually the first words out of my mouth (to no one, as I was standing alone in my bathroom): "It's backwards." I was expecting the control line on the right to show up first, and then the test line to appear gradually. Except the line on the left showed first...like immediately, as it was still "sucking up" the pee. It really went through my mind for awhile that it should be the other way around. I even mentioned it to Bobby when he was concerned about the lightness of the line. I tried to tell him that that one was actually the control line, and the test line was darker, but then I thought maybe the test trip was upside down? (I'm sorry, I'm kind of an idiot. I really don't pee on many sticks.)

      You guys are amazing. I would be so lost without you!

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    3. It's time for the Clearblue Easy weeks estimator test :)

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  4. Definitely call your doctor. I bet your hcg levels are around 1000 + with the looks of that test. If you took a digital you would most likely get 2-3 weeks or possibly 3+ weeks. Can't wait to hear! This is fantastic news and great looking sticks.

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  5. T is right, what happens when your HCG is nice and strong is the Test line (on the Left) steals all the dye from the Control line (on the right). Your test is incredibly impressive and it's not sad at all!!! I think that's probably as dark as you're going to get, possibly a little darker to steal the rest of the dye!

    I agree with T completely, your digital would definitely say 2-3 or 3+. I bet your beta comes back nice and high! Call the doc, girl, cause you are very prego!

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    1. Thank you thank you thank you! I obviously need some pregnancy test education. You ladies are such an amazing blessing.

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  6. Yep, you totally are super pregnant! That right line is the test line and the left is if you are pregnant or not! The HCG must be pretty high! Congrats, congrats!

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  7. Haha! I'm sorry, I'm laughing at you! But in the friendliest, most happiest way! YAAAAAAY!!!! This is SUCH awesome news. You wily infertile, we might just be having babies at the same time. Wha? How'd that happen??

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    1. Thanks, C. It's all still craziness to me!

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    2. Well there's no one I'd be happier to *not* mail Clomid to. So fantastic! You were the blogger I was most sad about having to give my news to, so this is great for me (because you know, your pregnancy is about me, a person who you will probably never meet). Yay!

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  8. I can't stop laughing at this. Did you not look at my blog when I broke my third pee stick because I was so full of hcg? No kidding you don't POAS much...and glad Toni was here to tell you that you're looking at the wrong frigging line! Get thee to a doctor, chica. There's a bun in your oven.

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    1. Haha, I did. But this stuff doesn't happen to me! I was much more ready to assume that the test strip was upside down than I would be "extra pregnant."

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  9. I was going to say the exact same thing about the lines...but don't feel bad. I did the same thing. My pregnancy line showed up immediately but I was fixed to that stick waiting for the second line before I realized what was happening. SUCH EXCITING NEWS! Congratulations and keep us posted!

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  10. There's no one more than you that I want to be "that girl" but I love your scale of doucheness! Go get a digital, because they're fun and you've waited for so long, then call your OB or PCP and get some betas!

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    1. I'm glad you appreciated it. Bobby and I have done that forever--whenever people are being douchebags, we always comment: "That's like "carries a guitar EVERYWHERE" douchey" or "listens to Nickelback."

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    2. How about Senator Rand Paul who still wears surgical scrubs douchey?

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    3. Ugh that guy is THE WORST. Top of the douche list for sure.

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  11. Well, that's definitely a line. Why don't you get a beta? This way you'll know for sure! Congratulations!!!

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  12. I'm a new reader but congratulations! I am sooo happy that everyone helped you decipher that test. I was about to jump through the computer and yell - you're reading it backwards! What a great story to tell your son or daughter in 9 months!

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