Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Hey Jealousy

A few nights ago, I had an infertility-related breakdown. I don't do this very often. Infertility is always in the back of my mind, and nearly everything reminds me of it. But the emotions surrounding it--I do a pretty good job of deliberately choosing to not feel them.

Our water heater went out over the weekend, so we had three days of showering at my parent's house or washing our hair in freezing cold water. Once it was finally repaired, I spent Monday night taking an incredibly long, incredibly hot bubble bath. Except, no sooner had I sunk into my lavender heaven and pulled up Facebook on my iPad, there was a pregnant belly staring at me from the very top of my news feed.

Jenna was a few years behind me in high school. We weren't friends, and the only reason I've kept up with her life is that I have coached all three of her younger sisters.

In high school, she was a weird girl, with only a handful of girl friends. I know the boys in her class weren't interested in her and mostly ignored her, and she graduated without going on a single date. From what I can tell, college went similarly.

After finishing college, she moved to Baltimore. About a year ago, she met a guy. He was older, but shared her weird quirks. After a few months of dating, they got engaged. They were married just before Christmas this past December. She's now announcing her pregnancy and that she's due in October. So she conceived in less than two months.

Rationally, I understand that there are not a finite number of pregnancies and babies allowed. Jenna's pregnancy hasn't made it so there is one less available baby. Her baby has absolutely no bearing on whether or not I will ever get pregnant. I know that. But it still makes my blood boil. She's pregnant with a man she's known barely a year, after trying for less than two months. I've been with Bobby for TEN FREAKING YEARS. We've been trying for over two. They live in a tiny studio apartment. They admit they are totally broke, as he only recently started working again after being laid off in the fall. We waited until we were financially stable to stop birth control. We waited until we had a house, with good space for a nursery and playroom.

Bobby and I are going away this weekend. It's spring break here (ha! It's a grand total of 25 degrees. Spring Break Woo-hoo!). Bobby promised that since our Valentine's Day was spent apart at some point we'd go somewhere and get a hotel room just for fun.

I've mentioned this to a few friends, and all of them have responded with some sort of, "Ooh, is this a baby-making weekend?!"

And do you want to know what my first thought was? Do you want to know how much infertility consumes me? My first thought was, "Um, no. I'm not ovulating this weekend."

Many of my friends have gone on "Babymoons" of sorts--vacations with the express intent to conceive. But some of them have gone on these vacations having no idea whether they're ovulating or not. They're still living in the blissful ignorance of "If I have a lot of sex, surely I'll get pregnant!"

What's even more infuriating is that sometimes it works. They just happen to hit their fertile window and like magic -- a baby appears nine months later. Which of course leads to them ignorantly recommending Babymoons to anyone who has issues conceiving.

So after seeing Jenna's obnoxious pregnancy announcement, I cried. If fact, I sobbed loudly and ugly. I questioned God, the universe, my body. I prayed to whoever would listen that if this wasn't going to happen for me, then at least take away the desire to have a baby. If I wasn't meant to be a mom, then don't let me want to be anymore.

I don't want infertility to make me bitter. But in some ways, I think it already has.

18 comments:

  1. I hope that your get-a-way is just what the doctor ordered and helps you feel better soon.

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    1. I hope so! I just need AF to arrive a few days late so she doesn't ruin everything!

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  2. These times are really tough! I feel the same way you do in that I mostly can hold the feelings at bay but every so often they just take over. I am sort of at a place now where I know that whether I have children or not does not have anything to do with what a great marriage my husband and I have and it does not effect our ability to be happy and enjoy each other. I am also trying to be of the thought that since at this time we don't have children we should go and do things that maybe we couldn't do if we did have kids. I know based on my age time is somewhat limited but I can not let this consume me and just let time pass by :) You are in my thoughts *hugs*

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    1. Thank you for such kind words, Amie. We're the same way. I really pressure my husband to do fun couple things that we couldn't do if we had kids. It doesn't solve everything, but it helps.

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  3. Hi Lilee,
    You were right, we are indeed the same kind of people. I have these same thoughts every time there's a pregnancy announcement. Ugh! Just know you're not alone and I am making fun of your pregnant-non-friend in my mind. I already know she's not nearly as cool as us.

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    1. Haha thanks, Erika! I'm glad you've got my back.

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  4. Facebook is the absolute devil while TTC. I'm sorry you got burned logging into there. I'm sure everyone on facebook is envious of some other aspect of others' lives. Infertility has really made me think about that...I wonder how many people WISH they just had a husband or a nice home or someone to go on vacation with and are still single in their 30's & 40's? It kind of helps to think of it that way, but I know those stupid posts from preggos still burn like hell. Brush those crappy feeling off girl! Enjoy that weekend with hubby and block out any input or innocent (yet annoying) remarks from friends. This is your time, and you are not going to let anything spoil it. Enjoy the wine, the food, and just being together.

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    1. You always have such a great perspective. I hope someone is at least a little envious of my life. Thanks!

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  5. wow i could have written this myself. we have been ttc for 3 yrs and a close friend just got preg w 2nd child first month of trying w no sense of what ovulation is. sigh! i aagre about the babymoon thing-i think about ovulation too!!

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    1. First month? Ugh, those friends are the worst.

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  6. Your feelings are completely normal and understandable. I've had many of those jealous moments. Allow yourself to cry and feel sorry for yourself. Staying bitter is a choice that I don't think you'll make. Hugs! Sorry about your water heater.

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    1. Thanks, Jessah! Sometimes it is good to cry and wallow for a bit.

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  7. Hi Lilee, just know that you absolutely did the right thing by waiting until you were ready to start trying. SO many people start popping out children without any thought or intention, when they're too young, or too broke, or too unstable. Not that there's one set of criteria that makes people good parents, but there are definitely people who should wait a while and get their shit together, and we all know them when we see them. If you had started years ago, maybe you would have been pregnant sooner, or maybe not, there's no way of knowing, but if you had run into fertility issues then, maybe you guys wouldn't have had the strong foundation you have now to deal with them. Or maybe you would have had a baby but wouldn't have the tools to be a great parenting team. My point is, it's easy to play shouldawouldacoulda, but when you have your baby, I think you're going to be so much better of a mom than that hypothetical you who had a baby before she was ready. And way better than Jenna :)

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    1. These are such good thoughts. I actually made the "controversial" comment this weekend that I thought it was irresponsible to have children if you can't afford them, and people actually disagreed with me! Maybe I'm bitter from infertility, but seriously? Good luck feeding and diapering your kid with love. Sometimes people are idiots.

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    2. Haha, so true. I grew up without a lot of money, so have seen first hand that you can raise a child without a fat bank account, but my mom also worked her butt off and we certainly always had food on the table and enough for necessities. I think people get a knee jerk reaction because no one ever feels like they have "enough" money and they take it as a personal judgement, when the point really is- you don't have to be rich to have a kid, but if you're chronically unemployed, without a stable place to live, etc... maybe, you know, just wait a while.

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  8. I do understand how hard it is to watch someone like Jenna make a pregnancy announcement, but I also can't help but be happy for her. How sad it must have been for her in high school not to experience ever going on a date or having many friends. If she also went through college the same way, I am happy that she did eventually find someone. And you know that this is comin from someone that was married 16 years before we had our babies. We were actually together for 21 YEARS before we finally got our babies!! 21 years. So you know I understand. I'm so sorry the jealousy monster showed up. It's okay to have a short pity party every once in awhile, so long as it also has a deadline and doesn't stick around too long. I know you are a positive person. I wish, hope, pray that someday soon you will be making your own pregnancy announcement.

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    1. You're always the voice of reason for me, Amber, and I really appreciate that. Thank you for all your kind words.

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    2. Aww, that is a really nice thing to say :) You are very welcome!

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