Tuesday, March 24, 2015

B is for Butthole

I had my 36 week appointment this morning, and according to Dr. G. I'm not having a baby today. And probably not this week either. He didn't give me any numbers after the cervical check, but he couldn't feel the head and had to reach waaaaay up there. That was...unpleasant.

It's okay, I could probably use a few more weeks to get ready, and baby can use a few more weeks to get stronger and fatter - although it's seriously tight quarters in there already. I'm not sure there's any more room to be had if this baby grows.

I also had the Group B Strep test today. Let's talk about that for a little bit, shall we? Why did not a single one of you bloggers with babies or those farther along in your pregnancies not think to mention that the Group B Strep Test is a swab of your butthole!?! You didn't think I would like to have that information beforehand?

I'll admit, it was probably a lack of research on my own part, but still. Help a sister out! Everything I've read - even the pregnancy books (including the ones my clinic gave me to read) failed to mention this. Dr. G. told me several weeks ago that I would be tested at 36 weeks. All the books, all of you guys, and even Dr. G. just called it a "swab." And then informed me that if I tested positive, I would need to make sure I get to the hospital early enough in labor for two rounds of antibiotics. Sure. Good. Done. Sounds easy enough.

Hello...when you tell me Strep Test, I'm gonna assume a NORMAL Strep Test. I've had strep. We've all had strep. You know, lots of coughing, sore throat, lose your voice. No fun. And you know how they test for it? With a THROAT culture. You stick out your tongue and say "Ahhhh." They look for spots on your throat. The only "swab" they take is from your MOUTH. The worst part is if they whack your hangy ball with the tongue depressor.

Do you know what they DON'T do to test for strep throat? Stick a q-tip up your ass. I would think that *someone* at some point in this pregnancy could have told me that the "B" in Group B Strep stands for butthole.

I'm feeling a little betrayed by all of you right now. But let's move on.

We're marginally ready for this baby. I still have a week and half of work left, we're about 90% finished with our downstairs bathroom remodel, and I'm officially sleeping on the recliner part of our couch. There are a few miscellaneous baby items I need to pick up. I'm putting it off until I'm done working, mostly so I have something to do, and don't spend the entire two weeks on the couch watching a bunch of shows that I'm not really that interested in, but I'm DVRing anyway so I have something to watch when I can't sleep. I figure if I have errands to run and things to buy I won't become a totally lazy blob. Or at least not lazier or blobbier than I already am.

I'm getting to the point where I know I'll be able to sleep better after the baby comes. And that's sort of scary. My friends with toddlers laugh at me when I say this, but my friends with newborns understand. They still remember just how uncomfortable these last weeks are. One friend with a newborn shared recently that even though she's only sleeping for an hour or two at a time, it's the best sleep she's had in five months since she's finally able to get comfortable. I can't actually remember what comfortable feels like. No feet in my ribs? No head butting in my pelvis? My hips don't ache? My obliques can actually support the weight of my stomach without strain? I know I was really lucky that I slept really well until about 32 weeks, but I'm making up for it now.

And after three weeks of beautiful weather and complete snow melt (which meant slip-on flats and no socks!), it decided to snow eight inches yesterday and I had to drag out my boots again. I just can't catch a break! Although after a surprise butthole swab, I'm not sure anything should shock me.

14 comments:

  1. I sincerely apologize. If it makes you feel any better, I had to swab my OWN butthole TWICE for the GBS test. My OB's office just gives you the swab kit and tells to you go to the bathroom and do it yourself. The first time I tested positive, and since I'm allergic to penicillin they were supposed to run another test to see what antibiotics it would respond to...but they threw it out by mistake so I had to anally penetrate myself again yesterday. The best part was it came away with a pube attached, which I felt the need to pluck off before putting it in the test tube because somehow that was embarrassing to me. You're welcome for that story.

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    1. This is my favorite comment I've ever read and makes me feel infinitely better, so I forgive you.

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  2. Oh my I have never heard of this??? Can I change my mind? Just kidding!!! I would still much rather do it myself like Aramis above said rather than the Dr! You would think with all of the probing I have had it wouldn't be a big deal but that's a whole other area!

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    1. It's funny that Aramis got to do her own - different practices, I guess. Though I'm not sure I could reach my own at this point! It was part of a swab of pretty much everything down there...I just wasn't prepared for THAT!

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  3. 1. I'm sorry but I had to laugh a little at this (if it were me, I would have been just as horrified) 2. Thank you for the PSA for those of us trailing behind, I will certainly be more mentally prepared.

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    1. You're welcome. The only reason I include these embarrassing stories is so hopefully someone else can benefit. I feel like I've done my civic duty for the day.

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  4. BAHAHA! Umm, I did NOT know it was a butthole swab!! I figured it was actually a swab of your cervix. I suppose I got off easy then because they were able to identify through just a urine culture earlier in the PG that I am positive for GBS. Oh man. That sounds pretty horrible. Teehee.

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    1. He swabbed pretty much everything down there - the butthole was just the part I was really unprepared for. That's interesting that they did yours through a urine culture...that would have been nice!

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  5. LOL about the strep test. Makes me think of when my hubby went to get his physical. The doc had him put on a gown and then put his knees at his chest facing the wall. The prostate part of the exam was a little bit of a surprise for him to say the least.

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  6. Omg. I could hug you. I know about this whole strep test, but I had NO CLUE IT WAS IN THE REAR?!?! Thank you for the advanced notice. I will know exactly what to expect when my time comes now. Holy cow...... As for the snow.... That blows, don't send it my way please, I would not be happy. XO

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    1. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who didn't know this! THESE are the things they should be putting in pregnancy books. You're welcome, friends. May you learn from my ignorance.

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  7. Haha! I knew it wasn't a test for strep throat, but I didn't know they swabbed your butthole! I don't recall ever having this test done! Maybe because I delivered early? But now you know, and you survived to warn everyone else. Regarding sleep - it was heaven when I could lay on my stomach for the first time after pregnancy!

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    1. You probably didn't since you went early. My dr said they won't test before 36 weeks since it's only accurate for a few weeks, so you lucked out!

      I literally have dreams about lying on stomach. I'll never take it for granted again!

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