Thursday, January 23, 2014

I Do Believe in Fairies

Today is Cycle Day 31. No period. Not even a hint of sore boobs. No breaking out. No cravings. No bloating.

My last cycle was 26 days, so I guess my period is late. However, my average cycle length (according to the app on my phone) is 47 days, so I guess I still have a ways to go. This is why I hate my body. I haven't tested yet because I hate, hate, hate seeing Not Pregnant yelling at me from a urine-soaked stick. I'd rather be surprised by underwear full of blood, as gross as that is. I'll test on Cycle Day 35. Maybe.

This is also unfortunate because it means my two-week wait is really more like three weeks or more. And waiting is not something I'm good at. Because when I wait, I consult Dr. Google. I read forums. I find evidence that I'm pregnant. I calculate a due date. I figure out when I can tell my parents. I think of a clever way to tell Bobby.

And then the little fantasy is over, and I feel like an idiot.

I want to stay positive. I don't want to become cynical. But cynicism has become a security blanket to protect me from inevitable disappointment. For many years, I would comment "when we have kids..." about something I want to do, or something I'll never do. It was natural. I always assumed I would have kids. But I've found myself not using this phrase anymore. I don't know if any of my friends or family have noticed, but I'm careful about it, because I'm much less sure that I will have kids someday. Sometimes I'll say "if I ever had a kid..." in a way that sounds off-handed, totally non-committal, almost like I don't care either way.

I played Tinkerbell in our school's Peter Pan play my junior year. The most terrifying moments of the performance were late in the second act as I lay on the ground, very sick, and nearly dead after drinking the poison Captain Hook had left for Peter. After furiously shaking me, Peter ran to the edge of the stage and admonished the crowd to once again believe in fairies. And if they did believe, to clap their hands, so I could get well and live again. Every night of the performance, I lay there terrified that the crowd wouldn't respond. What if no one clapped? Or thought it was dumb to participate? What if only a few responded? Should I get up after a pause anyway and continue? Should I just keep lying there until they clapped? I had a near panic attack every night.

WHAT IF NO ONE BELIEVED IN FAIRIES?

But they clapped. Oh, how they clapped! Thankfully, we had wonderful crowds every night, and they gladly participated to help me live. Each night, I'd glance at the audience through my eyelashes as I lay there during Peter's long speech to them. Many of them--mostly adults--leaned forward in anticipation, already prepared to begin clapping for me, even before Peter Pan made the request: If you believe in fairies, clap your hands! I loved that for even just those few moments, they allowed themselves to be caught up in the fantasy--perhaps remembering the childhood story and films of their past--and anxious to relive those feelings. For just those few brief moments, they believed in fairies.

I've often wondered about "believing." I know that I believe in God, and in Jesus, and the love of my Heavenly Father that covers me and saves me. I believe that God is absolutely in control and knows and cares about my infertility. He didn't cause it, but he allowed it. I believe he could change it, but I also believe God respects the science he has created. And sometimes science, biology, nature...it isn't fair. I believe that God is faithful and always keeps his promises to us. But God never promised that he's going to give me a baby. 

What about other things I believe in? Do I believe there is really power in positive thinking? I know women who subscribe to Traditional Chinese Medicine techniques, and swear by the power of "positive energy" and "picturing themselves pregnant" while receiving acupuncture and doing yoga. Some of them got pregnant, some didn't. Were the ones who didn't, the ones who didn't believe enough? The ones who didn't really picture themselves pregnant?

So, on Cycle Day 31 when there's nothing left to do, sometimes I'll take a few moments at my desk at work, or sneak into the guest bedroom at home. I'll wrap my arms around my belly, breathe deeply and imagine I'm really pregnant. I take cleansing breaths, filling my lungs with all kinds of positive thoughts.

And sometimes in these moments, I let myself believe in fairies.

9 comments:

  1. I am one of those ladies who is totally addicted to pee sticks. I can sometimes go through 8 or 9 a day, LOL....

    Positive thinking has helped me through so much and also kept me sane.

    Hoping this is your cycle and you can come up with a clever way to tell your hubby :)

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    1. I used to POAS pretty much the minute my period was late. But it always made me sad so I stopped. For some reason, I'd rather live in that no-man's land where I'm pretty positive I'm not pregnant, but my period is late so I can't be sure and continue to believe I'm possibly pregnant. Getting a BFN is so final.

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  2. I wrote a post almost 2 years ago. It reminds me of having these same feelings of foolishness for having hope. This is so hard and I'm sorry you have to go through it.

    http://www.dreamingofdimples.com/2012/06/believing-in-fairy-tales.html

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    1. Wow I just read your old post. It seems that there are many common themes for those going through infertility. I hope you sometimes still believe in fairy tales.

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  3. I think letting yourself believe in fairies can never hurt, and that where your mind flows your energy goes. But, I also think it's impossible for anyone to be positive 100% of the time. Don't ever beat yourself up or think that a cycle didn't work because you didn't believe enough though. At the end of the day, I personally believe it's a combination of biology syncing up at the right time and the door being opened....whether you believe by God or the universe or yourself. I am keeping my fingers crossed that you get a nice surprise this month and that this long cycle is happening for a reason!

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    1. Thank you for your kind words. My fingers are crossed too!

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  4. You've been nominated for an award over at http://www.kindercoaster.blogspot.com/2014/01/procastiah-ill-finish-that-later.html
    KinderCoaster

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    1. Thank you for finding me! I'm looking forward to catching up on your blog.

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  5. Oh my friend, it is so hard. I'm glad you still believe in fairies! Even if it brings disappointment, it's always good to maintain a measure of hope. *I bet that would have been a terrifying moment each night of the play!!!

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