My last cycle was 26 days, so I guess my period is late. However, my average cycle length (according to the app on my phone) is 47 days, so I guess I still have a ways to go. This is why I hate my body. I haven't tested yet because I hate, hate, hate seeing Not Pregnant yelling at me from a urine-soaked stick. I'd rather be surprised by underwear full of blood, as gross as that is. I'll test on Cycle Day 35. Maybe.
This is also unfortunate because it means my two-week wait is really more like three weeks or more. And waiting is not something I'm good at. Because when I wait, I consult Dr. Google. I read forums. I find evidence that I'm pregnant. I calculate a due date. I figure out when I can tell my parents. I think of a clever way to tell Bobby.
And then the little fantasy is over, and I feel like an idiot.
I want to stay positive. I don't want to become cynical. But cynicism has become a security blanket to protect me from inevitable disappointment. For many years, I would comment "when we have kids..." about something I want to do, or something I'll never do. It was natural. I always assumed I would have kids. But I've found myself not using this phrase anymore. I don't know if any of my friends or family have noticed, but I'm careful about it, because I'm much less sure that I will have kids someday. Sometimes I'll say "if I ever had a kid..." in a way that sounds off-handed, totally non-committal, almost like I don't care either way.
I played Tinkerbell in our school's Peter Pan play my junior year. The most terrifying moments of the performance were late in the second act as I lay on the ground, very sick, and nearly dead after drinking the poison Captain Hook had left for Peter. After furiously shaking me, Peter ran to the edge of the stage and admonished the crowd to once again believe in fairies. And if they did believe, to clap their hands, so I could get well and live again. Every night of the performance, I lay there terrified that the crowd wouldn't respond. What if no one clapped? Or thought it was dumb to participate? What if only a few responded? Should I get up after a pause anyway and continue? Should I just keep lying there until they clapped? I had a near panic attack every night.
WHAT IF NO ONE BELIEVED IN FAIRIES?
I've often wondered about "believing." I know that I believe in God, and in Jesus, and the love of my Heavenly Father that covers me and saves me. I believe that God is absolutely in control and knows and cares about my infertility. He didn't cause it, but he allowed it. I believe he could change it, but I also believe God respects the science he has created. And sometimes science, biology, nature...it isn't fair. I believe that God is faithful and always keeps his promises to us. But God never promised that he's going to give me a baby.
What about other things I believe in? Do I believe there is really power in positive thinking? I know women who subscribe to Traditional Chinese Medicine techniques, and swear by the power of "positive energy" and "picturing themselves pregnant" while receiving acupuncture and doing yoga. Some of them got pregnant, some didn't. Were the ones who didn't, the ones who didn't believe enough? The ones who didn't really picture themselves pregnant?
So, on Cycle Day 31 when there's nothing left to do, sometimes I'll take a few moments at my desk at work, or sneak into the guest bedroom at home. I'll wrap my arms around my belly, breathe deeply and imagine I'm really pregnant. I take cleansing breaths, filling my lungs with all kinds of positive thoughts.
And sometimes in these moments, I let myself believe in fairies.