I should just take a freaking pregnancy test.
I have a box of three hiding in the bottom drawer of our bathroom cupboard. They're just waiting there, ready to be peed on. It's Cycle Day 36. Yesterday, I was pretty sure my period was about to show up. Today, nothing. My face is starting to break out a little, but that could just be stress, and the fact that my face still thinks I'm 15 years old. I'm constantly hungry, but really, what else is new? I've been having some slight twinges of ovary pain--like how it feels when I'm ovulating. I really don't know what that means, but it could just be normal stomach pangs, I'm just attributing it to Patty and Selma because they can be real jerks. My boobs have been sore for a week now--and that's really the only symptom I have no answer for.
Well...unless my dear husband Bobby is to be believed. Because according to him, I have "period butt."
What? You've never heard of it? Sounds totally made up? Don't worry. It is.
Bobby insists he can tell when I have or am getting my period--by the feel of my butt. It feels "nicer." It's apparently more toned, firmer, and all-around sexier. It's no secret that my husband is an ass man. Sure, he's got the normal fascination by boobs, can certainly enjoy a great pair of legs, and appreciates curvy hips. But let me tell you, Bobby could have written Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back." That man is all about the butt.
Yes, I've tried to tell him "period butt" isn't a real thing, but then he complains, "It's the one good thing about your period, why can't you just let me enjoy it!" Touche.
So I guess my second symptom of impending period is my butt.
I know, I could just take a pregnancy test and this would all be over. It would be negative, I'd start my period in a few days (or just skip this month and chalk it up to another anovulatory cycle), and I could drink my body weight in caffeine or hard liquor.
But I guess I like the torture.
No, that's not it. What I don't like about getting a negative test is the finality of it. It means I'm NOT PREGNANT. I never was. It's time to stop kidding myself and start trying to figure out when (if?) I'm going to ovulate next. Right now, I'm still in limbo. My period still hasn't shown up, so I could be pregnant. As long as I don't know, as long as I don't take that test, I'm not officially NOT PREGNANT.
I know this is dumb. I'm setting myself up for disappointment. It means holding toilet paper inches from my face trying to detect if my discharge really is slightly brownish, or if it's just the poor lighting in my office's bathroom (I'm totally grossed out I've done this more than once today). It means that I'm totally kidding myself.
I know my body. I know it can be a real dick. I know that I'm about to get my period. I've been doing this since I was in sixth grade. I know what menstruation looks like. I'm just still desperately trying to hold out and be one of those women that just "took a test and SURPRISE! PREGNANT! I had no idea!"
I'm never one of those women. I'm the woman with period butt.